Editor’s Note: This story is fictional and meant for comedic purposes.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian was released from prison last month on early parole for good behavior. Though the good doctor, now 78 years young, was free to go out into the world and lead a long and vigorous life, his parole was not without one very particular and, as some insiders have said, “oddly specific,” condition: That he “promise” not to assist in any more suicides.
To help fight his addiction to causing death, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, or the Fantasia of Euthanasia as the media have dubbed him, was enrolled in court-ordered rehab in the non-profit group Assisted Suicide Survivors and Humans against Obviously Lethal life Efforts.
For an old pro like Dr. J.K. kicking the habit is sure to be a long and tough road to recovery, and enrolling in A.S.S.H.O.L.E., as it is known on the streets, is only the beginning. According to his A.S.S.H.O.L.E. support, A.S. survivor Dr. Edgar Kensington, of Chodahtaint, Va., “Jack is just going to have to take it day by day.”
I ran into Mr. Kensington at A.S.S.H.O.L.E.’s charity garage sale over the weekend and was able to ask him a few questions about Dr. Kevorkian’s progress thus far.
KJ: So How’s Jack doing, Dr. Kensington?
Dr. K: Well, you know, it is going to be an uphill battle for him. he’s old, and as the saying goes, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.. But, seriously though, it is going to be a while before Jack is able to look at another human being and not think, in what way can I help them die?
KJ: Obviously. What kind of program is Jack on?
Dr. K: Well, the A.S.S.H.O.L.E. guide to recovery is a two-step program. Basically it is: Recognize that you have a problem and then stop it. It’s pretty simple, actually. We started him with a gradual withdraw “aiding” in the deaths of small rodents – rats, ferrets, etcetera… and to Jack’s credit he is doing tremendously well. We have weaned him down to just three or four small mice a day.
KJ: Wouldn’t some consider that animal cruelty?
Dr. K: We have it on good word that our specially ordered “Rehab Rodents” are better off dead. chiggers, dysentery, insomnia, you know.
KJ: How many people are currently enrolled in your program?
Dr. K: Well, right now, just Jack. He is actually our first member. ever. Half the battle is really just getting people to admit that they have a problem.
(An elderly couple comes up to Dr. Kensington and asks, how much for the “whole box of sedatives?” Dr. Kensington asks for $4 but is eventually haggled down to $1.30)
KJ: Is this how you fund A.S.S.H.O.L.E.?
(Dr. Kensington furrows his brow and points to a dusty brown bottle on a shelf labeled “bargain.”)
Dr. K: You see that bottle of arsenic over there? You can’t say to a bottle of arsenic, “Hey bottle of liquid death, stop killing people when they drink you.” The basic fact is that humans have been aiding in the deaths of other humans for thousands of years; this is bigger than you or me, or even Jack! Death is a machine that can’t, and won’t, be stopped.
KJ: Kind of like Robocop?
Dr. K: Not really.
KJ: Well, kind of.
Dr. K: No.
KJ: Not even a little bit?
Dr. K: .Maybe a little bit like Robocop.
Kevin Johnson can be reached at email@example.com. The opinions expressed in this column reflect the views of the individual author and not necessarily those of the Collegian.