Editor’s Note: This story is fictitious and meant for comedic purposes.
FORT COLLINS – Local squirrel Duncan Horowitz has been eating all the pumpkin he can handle for more than a month.
“This is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me,” said Horowitz, 1 1/2 – his face covered in orange mush. “You hear about things like this, places like this, all your life, and you never think it’s going to happen to you.”
He added, “It’s not every cold time you see an easily-accessible food supply like this.”
Horowitz and his friends, Brian Adler and Cynthia Martinez, among others, have been snacking on pumpkins left on the porch by the residents of 341 Mathews St. in Fort Collins.
“I bought the pumpkins in hopes of carving them with my girlfriend,” said Ryan Burquist, 25 – a resident of apartment 2-B. “But then she cheated on me.”
Horowitz maintained that he waited – “out of courtesy” – to see if Burquist put the pumpkins to use of what he called “squash defilement.”
“He put (the pumpkins) on the porch, I believe, five days before the night of disguises and cleavage,” Horowitz said. “I waited until two days after (the night of disguises and cleavage).”
Once he decided he’d waited long enough, and it would be ok to eat the pumpkins, Horowitz said he “went to town.”
Initially, Horowitz said he did not want to share what he called his “precious bounty.”
“Ate all I could for about three days,” he said. “But then, I said to myself, ‘you can’t possibly eat all this,’ and I told Brian and Cynthia.”
“I didn’t believe him when he told me,” Adler, 9 months, said. “But then I saw them, these giant f***ing pumpkins – like, more than five times bigger than me.”
“I am loving every minute of (eating these pumpkins),” he added.
Burquist said, “I keep thinking I should get rid of (the pumpkins).” He admitted, though, that he never thinks of properly disposing of the large orange winter squashes “until I’m already late for work.”
Staring at what is now really just a pile of mush with a handful of seeds, he added, “And then when I get home, I don’t want to be doing that.”
Burquist did say, though, that the squirrels are “a nuisance,” and somewhat “menacing” – even “kind of scary.” “I think one looked at me,” he said.
Venturing so far as to even further humanize squirrels, Burquist wondered if the bushy-tailed rodents grow weary of eating so much pumpkin.
“I can eat turkey for two days after Thanksgiving,” he said “and that’s it. I’m done with turkey after that. It just gets old. How long can (the squirrels) eat the same thing?”
Asked if she thinks pumpkin will ever get old, Martinez said, “I’ve been eating this for a little over three weeks, and I really don’t see this getting old any time soon.”
Added Horowitz, “What is this ‘get old’ of which you speak?”
Burquist said if the squirrels’ pumpkin-eating persists, he will “definitely just get rid of the f***ing (pumpkins).”
Until Burquist does eliminate the food source, though, Horowitz said he and his friends would continue to chow down.
“It’s just too good to pass up,” said Horowitz, lying on his back with his paws resting on his stomach, laboriously breathing. “I’ve never eaten so much.”
Staff writer Geoff Johnson can be reached at email@example.com.