Dec 052006
 
Authors: Kevin Dudley

Ahem. it seems as though I have blown my artistic load a little prematurely. I was under the impression that last week’s column was to be the last column of the semester and accordingly, felt not at all ashamed to show up to the last Collegian columnist meeting hammered and willing to tell everyone how I felt about them.

Clearly I’ve made a terrible miscalculation. So as I beg for my job back, I’d like to shed some light on something that has me terribly vexed – a fashion trend that is simply known as Elmo, or Emu. Actually, I’m not really sure what it’s called.

To prepare myself for this column, I spent literally hours searching fashion Web sites and interviewing high school kids for any insight into this strange foreign world. (Once again CSU, I have put myself in a heterosexually-challenging situation for your entertainment, and I arise, once again to report my findings; you’re welcome.)

Before now, all I knew about this fashion trend was that they’re sending a very strong message: “I’m mad at my dad because he bought me a Saturn when all I really wanted was an Acura.”

But the kind person inside of me convinced me that it’s not fair to judge only knowing this one fact. So I’m setting out to find more information, present it to you, and then we can all judge them based off of the slanted information I’ve come up with. If you happen to be Emo, then you should find this quite offensive.

So after much research, I learned that an Emu is a large flightless Australian bird and that Elmo is a character on “Sesame Street.” Emo, it turns out, is the fashion, which I’m pretty sure is Latin for passive-aggressive and effeminate. It was first popularized by some band or something; I didn’t care to look it up.

According to its followers, the world of Emo is much more then a fashion trend – it is a lifestyle, or should I say, life choice. It is nestled somewhere between tongue rings, Crocs and Uggs.

According to www.drawings.gr/emo-love-songs.shtml, “one does not have to listen to Emo music or write sad craparific or even decent poetry in order to dress Emo.”

If this is true, then what, pray, must one do then to be considered Emo?

We’re in luck! The site goes on to say, “The only thing you need to do to feel a part of the Emo trend is know what clothes to buy, what shoes to wear and how to style your hair.”

Simple, right? Not in the least.

The staple of this fashion trend is the tight pants Emo-dressers wear. At first I thought it could be some kind of hip youthful form of birth control (“It’s cool baby, I don’t need to wear a rubber because I wear REALLY tight pants”). I’ve found that this doesn’t really work.

Next on the very short list of things they wear (this info can be found at www.thewebdrive.com) we find kid-sized full bleed T-shirts with old-school sneakers and an optional truck hat or mohawk.

When did throw backs, timbos and New Era 5950’s go out of style?!

If we look deeper into this confused little abyss, we will see that it’s mostly about music. Emo is short for Emotional Rock. Now, I don’t know what Emotional Rock is exactly, but it sounds like deeply depressing stuff that is sure to lead these kids to lock themselves in dark rooms, smelling the clothing of old girlfriends and cutting themselves.

I’d like to stop here, take a step back and reevaluate my stance on this. The message they are sending here is: “Am I crying all the time because I can’t get any trim, or can I not get any trim because I’m crying all the time?”

If you ask me, this has got to be the whitest fashion statement ever. We can all agree that white people are not cool enough to create fashion trends – let the former stand as a testimony to that. Call me “old fashioned,” but I’ll just stick to pretending I’m black.

Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every Wednesday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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