Editor’s Note: This character and interview are fictitious and are meant for comedic value only.
Through the friend of a friend I found myself in the south Denver studio apartment of Gimly Norris, second cousin of international film star and martial arts expert Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has become somewhat of a cult figure with the Internet success of the “Chuck Norris Facts” propelling him to an almost folk-hero-like status.
Chuck Norris is good looking and successful.
Gimly Norris is in his mid-40s, unemployed, overweight and balding.
I knocked on the door to find it partially open. I called out to no response, so I walked in. Random trash littered the apartment; strange smells came from piles of decaying garbage. Rats wandered about like pets.
Sitting in a dirty, broken-down easy chair, half a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon in one hand, pulling from a joint with the other, Gimly Norris watches hardcore porn on mute while Rush’s Take Flight plays from the stereo. He looks a bit like his famous cousin (the same ears perhaps). But only slightly.
He noticed my intrusion and gave me the crazy eyes.
I said hello.
He said, “Who sent you and for what purpose?”
Gimly Norris’ fingertips are stained inky black, a sure sign of a crack addiction.
He wears a wife beater and greasy sweatpants. He smells like old baby food and vomit.
Gimly Norris offered me the rest of a Bud Light on the floor beside him. It was warm and smelled like urine. I politely declined and asked for a glass of water.
Gimly Norris doesn’t have any cups; he drinks out of his hand.
My initial shock, which bordered instantly on alarm, had now become sheer panic. The door was still open, and I figured I could bolt and Gimly would forever wonder if I was just a figment of his hallucinations, a bad vision brought on by too much of whatever Gimly was on.
I sat down on a cinder block, which was the only other piece of furniture in the place, set up my tape recorder, kept a firm grip on my keys in case I had to use them to gouge out his eyes in the event that he turned psycho, and began the interview.
KJ: So, Gimly, what’s your favorite Chuck Norris fact?
GN: Um, I don’t know. How about Chuck Norris was breastfed until the age of seven. Chuck Norris only wears a beard to cover his hair lip?
KJ: Oh, well.
GN: Chuck Norris can’t read. That do anything for ya?
KJ: Not a fan, I take it.
GN: Listen man, Chuck ain’t that great. Guess what he got me for Christmas last year? Guess…
(I shake my head)
GN: A scarf. He got me a f***ing scarf. The guy’s a f***ing millionaire.
(Gimly Norris rolls a joint.)
KJ: Were you and Chuck close as kids?
GN: Yeah, hell yeah, who do you think taught him the roundhouse? I used to kick the s*** out of that kid. You tell him I said that.
(I tell him that I don’t know Chuck personally, but would try to relay the message. He tells me to take my hat off.)
KJ: Ok. So when did you and Chuck have your falling out?
GN: Around the third time he banged my ex-wife.
KJ: That must have been rough.
GN: Yeah. I should have seen it coming though. Seriously, dude, could you take off the hat?
KJ: I’m not wearing a hat, Gimly.
KJ: So, I understand you were in an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger.” What was that like?
GN: Oh, great, great. I was trying to get my acting career off the ground, so I call up Chuck and I says to him, I says, “Hey man, you know, can you hook me up or whatever. Anything will work, just kinda want to get the Gimly Norris name out there.” He says, ‘You know what Gim, I think I got a role that would be perfect for you.'”
KJ: What was that?
GN: Dead guy number two. the son of a bitch.
(Gimly breaks down, drops his head and covers his face with a rag, his shoulders heave with heavy sobs. Not sure what to do, I reach out to pat him on the shoulder.)
KJ: Come on. don’t cry…
(He lifts his head and looks at me with the intensity of a serial rapist.)
(His pupils are the size of dinner plates. He was huffing paint thinner.)
KJ: Never mind. So, um, was that a recurring role?
(Gimly giggles like a maniac)
GN: Here’s a fact, in the 10th grade Chuck Norris lost his virginity to a sock puppet he called Zeus.
GN: I’m not going to tell you again. remove the hat.
KJ: Whelp, I think that’s about all we have time for, any final words?
GN: Chuck Norris is a dick.
Staff writer Kevin Johnson can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. The opinions expressed in this column reflect the views of the individual author and not necessarily those of the Collegian.