(Note: As a tribute to visionary satirists like DJ Gallo and the Onion, I will be writing about the fake news whenever it fake happens. Remember, all quotes and stories are totally made up and fake, so please don’t call the paper with a complaint. Unless it is a fake complaint, then I guess that might be kind of funny.)
Mike Vanderjagt named Whitest Man in the NFL
Mike Vanderjagt has been voted the official “whitest guy in the NFL” by his fellow players and coaches from around the league, according to a Sports Illustrated Player’s Poll released by the magazine last Monday. Vanderjagt won the award in a landslide, earning nearly 70 percent of the votes.
The news came as quite a shock to the 36-year-old Cowboys kicker, who has been doing his best ever since he came to the league to hide his whiteness.
“Yea, I heard about the award. I roll around, sittin’ on dubs, my chain hang low, and the ice in my teeth keep the crystal cold,” Vanderjagt said on Tuesday. “I don’t know, I guess if you ain’t gonna ride fly then you might as well hate. Respect.”
The award came as quite a shock to many league insiders, who were almost sure that it would have gone to either Eli Manning, Peyton Manning, or Tiki Barber. NFL analyst Chris Mortensen said that the voters were savvier to Vanderjagt’s antics then he had previously thought.
“I guess they just saw through the bullshit,” Mortensen said. “Mike is an idiot, there’s no question about that. It’s just now he can know that whatever he does he only makes himself look more and more like Kevin Federline.”
Others, like Terrell Owens, were less surprised by the award. Taking questions about Vanderjagt on Tuesday, Owens could barely stop laughing.
“I mean, the guy c-walks every time he makes a kick longer than 25 yards in practice,” Owens said. “The only people c-walking in the last five years have been really, really lame white people. I guess Mike never got the memo.”
Owens added, “Sometimes, when I wonder why I am here (with the Cowboys), I just walk over to the kickers and laugh at Mike.”
Vanderjagt said that he is undeterred by the award, and is just hopes that it will pull attention away from his kicking, which by all accounts has been sub par.
“I don’t know what this world gonna bring,” Vanderjagt said. “But I know one thing, that this is the life for me. Baby, cuz I’m a thug. Respect.”
Cutler Stabbed in Mysterious Attack
Jay Cutler, the Broncos rookie backup quarterback, was stabbed in the right arm Friday night by an unknown assailant, police say.
In a scene that echoes the recent attack of University of Northern Colorado starting punter Rafael Mendoza by backup Mitch Cozad, reports indicate that Cutler was stabbed in the throwing arm while walking back to his car in the Invesco Field parking lot late Friday night after the Bronco’s practice.
Javon Walker, a wide receiver for the team and witnesses who was at the scene said that he saw a white male, about 6 feet, two inches tall, around 212 pounds wearing a large Bronco’s sweatshirt and sporting what can only be described as “the most horrible mustache that I have ever seen, it must have been fake.”
“Yea, the guy was just standing there holding the knife, looking like he was going to throw it at Jay. Then he just stopped and got this look in his eye like he knew that he would miss if he threw it. Trust me, I’ve seen that look before. Anyway, then he just ran up and stabbed (Cutler) in the arm,” Walker said.
Police reports indicate that the assailant then ran to his ’78 Pinto with the license plate “SNAKRULZ”, speeding off into the night.
“All we know right now is that he can’t throw a knife and may or may not answer to ‘Snake’ or ‘The Snake’,” Denver Police Chief Gerald Whitman said in an official report.
Cutler’s teammates have come out in force to support the player that has been called the “future of the franchise” by head coach Mike Shannahan.
“He would have had a real shot of making it onto the field this year,” Walker said. “It’s just a terrible tragedy for anybody who wants to see the Broncos do anything in the playoffs.”
Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer could not be reached for comment.