When I first started my work at the Collegian, I had one goal in mind: To grow a moustache the likes of which has never been seen in the reporting world, ever.
While I realize NOW that being a damn good reporter does nothing for your moustache-growing abilities, it has brought me to the cusp of an astonishing realization.
I am unaware of the exact numbers, but a passel of my professors (I hope that’s a real word) has been reading my columns, never realizing that I was such a hot shot in the journalism world. (It’s not cocky, it’s confidence. There’s a difference)
So this week, in honor of them reading my, at times, ridiculous points and not kicking me out of their classes, I have decided to do a political column and help them with their voting issues.
The other day, while resisting the urge to see how many cookies I could fit into my mouth at one time, it occurred to me that I have no idea who any of the candidates are for governor, nor do I know any of the issues.
So instead of trying to find out, I have decided to run for governor and make a stand on some of the biggest issues in this campaign.
I have been reading Ram Rant (it will always be Ram Rant to me) for the past couple weeks to find out what is happening on the streets of CSU. It is now clear that the biggest issue, or at least the most consistent issue, is the squirrels.
I am taking a very middle-of-the-road squirrel stance to make sure I satisfy everyone. I propose we pay a small group of hunters to exterminate half of the squirrel population. I will then have volunteers bother you as you walk to class for money to protect the rest of the squirrels and build the Dudley’s Squirrel Sanctuary to promote squirrel awareness.
Next on my agenda is immigration. I will have to side with William Ritter on this one and say I am in favor of guest worker programs but not amnesty due to the deep economic factors here. What? I’m not THAT apathetic.
On a touchier subject, ever since I announced my candidacy for governor at the beginning of this article, I have been bombarded with the abortion issue. Where do I stand? What will I do?
I assure you that I will take a very 23-year-old-sexually-active-college-male stance on this one. Anyone who does not want “abortion after abortion” (which is apparently what all of us sinners are doing, thank you Brother Matt) will not have to have one. They will get free healthcare instead. Problem solved.
I would also like to bring an issue, which I have become very passionate about lately, to the forefront of my campaign: Baby shaking.
I never knew what a problem this has become until I saw one of those public service announcements defining the tragedy that is shaking babies (you can’t make this up). I started thinking that if there really are people out there shaking their babies, this has to stop immediately.
The first thing I would do is move the public service ads to programming more likely to reach the baby-shaking demographic: NASCAR races.
The second prong of my two-headed anti-baby-shaking monster (I’m pretty sure I just crossed metaphors) is to find a rehabilitative outlet for their deeply ingrained baby-shaking tendencies. Maybe teach them how to play an instrument that needs to be shaken, like the maracas.
I can see it already – legions of salsa bands with one hillbilly shaking his maracas like there’s no tomorrow. I feel better already.
Now that I have outlined where I stand on these important issues, I would like to stay with the current political trend and bash the other candidates. To protect myself from being sued for libel, I will tell you in advance that I don’t know if any of this is true.
I heard William Ritter flashed the “shocker” to a group of small school children from the back of his campaign limo (that makes me want to vote for him) and Bob Beauprez went to the University of Colorado, making him a dirty hippie.
Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every Wednesday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to email@example.com.