What I’m about to do today has never been done before (that or no one could ever come up with anything this stupid). I would like to answer a question that has plagued our species for decades.
Try to stay with me: If the Patrick Swayze in “Road House” could battle Patrick Swayzes from “Dirty Dancing,” “Black Dog,” “Ghost,” “The Outsiders,” “Too Wong Foo,” “North and South,” and of course “Point Break,” who would walk away with the title of Ultimate Swayze? (Am I the only person who wonders these things? On second thought, don’t answer that.)
Ladies and gentlemen, if you, at any point in this article, decide for one reason or another that I am a bumbling idiot not deserving of his own column, then this is obviously the first of my columns you’ve read and I would urge you to apply to the Collegian, get your own column and put me in my rightful place.
Let’s get right down to the action in a little piece I like to call “Swayze on Swayze.” This will be a three-round, winner-takes-all cage match —- it won’t be pretty.
“Dirty Dancing” vs. “Black Dog”:
Let me see here – a truck driver against a summer camp dance instructor. Next match.
“The Outsiders” vs. “North and South”:
This is a highly contested match up with all my friends. While Swayze in “North and South” does have military training, Swayze in “The Outsiders” gets a lot of practice from having to physically discipline his two juvenile delinquent brothers. I’m also pretty sure the amount of hair product necessary to hold that gorgeous mane of his in place would form some kind of helmet leaving him impervious to head injury.
Winner: “Outsiders” Swayze.
“Ghost” vs. “Too Wong Foo”:
Easily the most interesting match up of the first round – a drag queen pitted against a ghost. I pose a new question: what would be a bigger box office draw in Tijuana, this or a donkey show? While I couldn’t definitively answer the question, I am positive that if you put the two together in one program you could definitely get it on Pay-Per-View. I’m going to disqualify “Ghost” Swayze on the grounds of not having a body.
Winner: “Too Wong Foo” Swayze
“Road House” vs. “Point Break”:
In an astonishing oversight, what are easily the two toughest competitors in the competition get paired in the first round. I’m outraged! I’m already calling for next year’s Swayze on Swayze to move to the BCS format. I cannot justify “Point Break” Swayze losing to anyone, ever. He’s eliminated.
Winner: “Road House” Swayze
“Too Wong Foo” vs. “The Outsiders”:
I’m going to drag “Too Wong Foo” Swayze into the finals simply because I’m incredibly entertained by the idea of a drag queen fighting anyone. I apologize to any “Outsiders” Swayze fans.
“Road House” vs. “Black Dog”:
This is the match of the second round. The young, blossoming movie star Swayze pitted against his arch nemesis, old washed up Swayze. This battle comes right down to what counts: the hair. Those beautiful locks of “Road House” Swayze’s are enough to steal any judge’s heart.
Winner: “Road House” Swayze
“Road House” vs. “Too Wong Foo”:
Come on, I would even let this become a handicap tag team match with Swayze AND “Too Wong Foo” Wesley Snipes and I would still give it to “Road House” Swayze. “Road House” Swayze is easily the ultimate Swayze.
He has it all: Intelligence, martial arts skills and he nails a super hot chick throughout the whole movie. I feel that Swayze never got the play that he deserved. If you look at it, Demi Moore had a haircut like one of the Beatles and Swayze still didn’t get any until the end of the movie.
“Dirty Dancing” Swayze had to commit statutory rape to get his, and “Outsiders” Swayze didn’t get any at all. Don’t even get me started on Bodhi; he should’ve been rolling in it throughout all of “Point Break.”
Now that I’ve settled this issue, which I’m sure has been burning at the back of all your minds, allow me to say that these decisions were not made in haste. I spent at least a half an hour writing this column and left no Swayze-related stone unturned.
Finally, Collegian: Any and all angry letters regarding the first round exit of “Point Break” Swayze should be thrown away immediately. They clearly only live to get radical and they will never see the spiritual side of it.
Now if you will excuse me, I’ve spent the last three days watching Patrick Swayze movies and I think I would feel more heterosexual had I spent that time watching gay porn. If you need me I’ll be at the strip club.
Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column appears every Wednesday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to email@example.com.