‘Right in the punter.’

Sep 192006
Authors: Drew Haugen

Last week, Greeley police set a historic precedent in football when they arrested Northern Colorado’s backup punter on accusations that he attacked and stabbed the first-string punter in the back of the right leg.

Reminiscent of another brilliant scheme in 1994, in which an Olympic figure skater tried to put her competition on ice, this alleged crime demonstrates as much, if not more, sinister cunning and bears the imprint of true criminal genius.

Having followed the starting punter home, the second-stringer made sure to cleverly disguise his appearance.

Number 2 donned a black hooded sweatshirt for the imminent attack, effectively becoming invisible to the average football punter’s eye; it is common knowledge that punters can’t see athletic wear approaching in the dark.

This is how punts get blocked. and punters stabbed.

But at this time our second-stringer made the first error of the night and a classic rookie mistake, placing the stab wound in the end zone of his able-bodied superior; a touchback, as this is easily healable meat.

But luckily, besides this mishap, the sweatshirt disguise removed any distinguishing characteristics for witnesses to notice: You can buy those sweatshirts anywhere, and anyone can wear them to a leg stabbing.

Who on earth would suspect the person who sits in second position on the depth chart?

The hooded suspect is now untraceable and inculpable; he becomes a figment of imagination, prose in urban legend, hooded breeze in the trees.

After knocking the starter to the ground as he got out of his car and letting him feel his blade, our hoodie-clad ninja assailant returned into the darkness like mist into the night from whence he came.

Well, actually he disappeared through the beams of the apartment complex’s streetlights into a waiting vehicle that was flashing its headlights.

But here “strategy” takes hold.

A witness was unable to get the license plate number of the car because the license plate had apparently been covered with tape. Nice.

This move is obviously reminiscent of James Bond’s daring and elegant antics of the silver screen, dashing out of an exploding building and into his Aston Martin, parked conveniently with license plates covered in duct tape.

Unfortunately, a local sleuth working as a liquor store clerk disrupted this perfect plan, calling the police when he saw Number 2 and his accomplice removing the tape from the car’s plates.

Number 2 did not calculate for this overly observant liquor store clerk, who had the keen insight to report such a common occurrence as the removal of tape from one’s license plate in a parking lot.

I think we as a society need to do more to address the culture of overzealous police reporting that is pervading our civil liberties of taping and de-taping our vehicles’ registration placards.

Next thing we know, we’ll be pulled from our beds in the middle of the night and have black bags tossed over our heads; the secret police have come, the evil seeds of our “plate-taping” activities have come to deadly fruition.

Drew Haugen is a senior International Studies major. His column appears every Wednesday in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.com.

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