I’m sick. I know what you’re thinking – “yeah, we read the states thing, sick-o” – and I’m not going to argue with you. That was pretty weird in a state-o-chistic way.
Anyway, what I was getting at was the fact that I have a severe case of the sniffles. This sucks. I can’t taste anything. Sometimes stuff drips. I might start coughing soon. I’ve started some vitamin C, but it’s really just too late.
The reason I even mention anything is that I’m growing increasingly sure it was one of you who did this to me.
Sure, it seems innocent enough. People get colds all the time! Who am I to be arrogant enough to think one of you intentionally gave me this to bolster your own agenda?
I’ll tell you who I am. I am a (expletive)ing columnist! I can be just as accusatory and psychotic as I’d like! Look at that picture. That is not someone to be (expletive)ed with.
Perhaps it is wrong of me to assume it was indeed one of you and not a collaborative effort. If there is at least one of you with the desire to bring me down using an ailment which is, ultimately, not that bad, then why not a collective?
Well, whichever group among you couldn’t stand to see this man happy in his sniffle-free existence, I hope it feels good.
I hope it feels good to know that I’m getting some really mean stink-eyes from people in my philosophy classes. I have two in a row, and some other people have the same two in a row as well.
These are people who, right now, are just sick of me sniffling. But really, they are people who will inevitably be sick.
I bet you didn’t count on innocent bystanders being caught up in this when you set out to infect me. Soon, these poor people will be walking around campus just like me.
They will be confused, tired, almost in a drugged-up state without ever having taken any cold medication. Red noses, snot, loogies the size of Susan B. Anthony silver dollars, snot.
Once again, rogue anti-Geoff campus organization (Are you sanctioned? Do you have an office?), I hope it feels good. Really, though (bad news for you), by infecting others who didn’t need to be caught up in this, whatever it is, you’ve only bolstered my support.
I guess if you wanted to show some decency, you could tell me how you got the agent into my system. Was it you who convinced me of the sanctity of the 10-second rule? Is that it?
What has this great country come to when a man can no longer pick up wet things off of his kitchen floor – within 10 seconds, mind you – and consume them worry-free?
Free of worry, that is, of sabotage?
I know you won’t really tell me how you actually got me sick. You’ll probably tell me that it’s “just chance,” that “everyone gets ’em.” But I know. I can see it in your eyes. You wanted me sick. But this will not happen again. I’m changing my routine, and my immune system is, too.
Geoff Johnson is a senior English major. His column appears occasionally in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.