I’m not what you’d call a “nature girl.” Sometimes my friends and I talk about nature, as in “trees are nice” and “look, he brought me flowers!” or “my mom gave me this plant, let’s try not to kill it,” that sort of thing.
And I am, undoubtedly, a girl, as my love for shoes and handbags will attest, but that’s pretty much it. Unless Kate Spade starts making purses with trees on them, walking across the Oval is as close as I get to nature most of the time.
But this time of year, when there is a breeze in the air and the summer is winding down, I start to think about nature. Not enough to actually go out in it, mind you, I just start thinking about it. After all, if you’re even considering going out into the wild, you need to really think about what you’re doing or else disaster might strike.
Just to help you prepare, I’ve listed a few hypothetical scenarios of things that might happen to you in nature, all of which are, of course, hypothetical and did not happen to a real person, of course.
You probably shouldn’t tube down the Poudre if there is less than 8 inches of water. Your back will be sore, you’ll probably have to hike half the way, and your butt won’t be speaking to you for several days afterward.
At least, that’s what I would imagine, although I wouldn’t know from personal experience, of course.
When camping, you probably shouldn’t leave the tent alone in the rain. Otherwise you’ll get lost and then be forced to stand out in the woods, soaking wet, yelling for your friends, wishing really hard that you had a whistle, just so you could resort back to that old Girl Scout standby “hug a tree and blow your whistle.” Because if you are 20 years old and this happens to you, I bet it’s more like “hug a tree and curse loudly while praying that no bears wander by.”
Yep, I bet that’s what it would be like, although I wouldn’t really know.
If you are ever in a mountain cabin, I think it’s best to leave the wild turkeys alone. Because it would really stink if someone tried to feed a turkey, and then that wild turkey and all his wild turkey friends started to chase you up the hill because that was their idea of a wild turkey practical joke.
I’m sure that would stink, if it had ever happened to me, which is most certainly has not.
Lastly, when boating out on the lake, do not try to switch boats. Even if you are in a boat with all boys, but you want to be in a boat with all the girls, it’s best just to stay put, at least that’s what I’ve heard. Because if the boats drift apart mid-switch and you fall into the lake, that wouldn’t be a very good use of your time in nature. The only reason I mention this is because I’ve heard of this happening. To some people, people whom I’m very sure I do not know.
I think if you take my advice, you’ll realize that it’s best just to stay inside. Trust me, these bad experiences are not what nature intended for you. Well, maybe nature intended them for you.
Nature intended for me to watch Lifetime movies with my Kate Spade purse, which is a lovely shade of hot pink not found in nature, thank you very much.
Hilary Davis is a senior technical journalism major. Her column will run on Wednesdays in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to letters@collegian.