Aug 242006
Authors: Kevin Dudley

Hobos. They can be found in the metaphorical gutters of Fort Collins, reeking of garbage and covered in generations of dirt. Yes, this is truly a different breed.

Most of us ignore, step over or nonsensically yell and bother them when drunk. The problem: What do we do with all these hobos?

Many people don’t care and just assume they just go away, but I love them. Sure, they have a different life choice than most – I prefer to not smell of Mad Dog and cigarettes. But that’s just me.

Different from their closely related cousin, the homeless, who are not funny, hobos have made the choice to live on the streets and aren’t too upset about it. They, on the contrary, are very funny.

Las Vegas recently passed a law restricting the feeding of hobos in their city parks (honest to God, they actually did that). Frankly, I don’t know where they could be going with this but I find myself interested and asking, “Why does Las Vegas hate hobos?”

The answer may come as a shock to many of you, but hobos don’t really do, well, anything.

Fort Collins’ own anti-hobo agenda has been clear for some time now, and it isn’t helping. What we need is to motivate the hobos and nothing would do that better than female hobos. The city is home to only a small number of what I’d imagine to be sexually frustrated hobos. Or, to dumb it down a little, they’re not getting any.

This could be our answer.

I would have proof of this in the form of an interview if it were not so hard to talk to drunken college kids.

Kevin: “What are your thoughts and/or feelings on hobos?”

Drunk Kid: “You’re a hobo!”

Kevin: “Sir, clearly I am not a hobo.”

Drunk Kid: “Your mom’s a hobo.”

Kevin: “I’ll hobo you!”

That’s pretty much how it went. Needless to say the encounter ended poorly.

Take Boulder’s hobo population. It has never been stronger, and, with the present-day economy, things are on the up and up for them. Exclude Boulder and its flourishing, snobby, coitus-addicted hobos and you’ve got a society that cares very little for the well-being of these majestic creatures.

In the off chance we find no willing female hobos, we’ll need to take drastic measures.

We could, I guess, steal them from Boulder. But that would become an excuse for the Boulder hobos to come up here to hang out. Nobody wants that.

I propose Fort Collins sets up a hooker relocation system from Denver and pays them to service our hobos. Our hobos will be happier and we’ll be able to argue with yet another subpopulation of people whose life goals eluded them at a very young age. That’s a win-win situation in my book.

So next time you see a hobo sleeping peacefully or sitting and minding his own business, don’t be afraid. He’s probably more frightened of you.

Sleep tight gentle prince; continue to dream up your kooky stories. Don’t be afraid. Someone does care. And this reporter is spreading your story.

Kevin Dudley is a senior natural resources major. His column runs occasionally in the Collegian. Replies and feedback can be sent to

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