Farewell Tour Part II

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May 022006
 
Authors: Ryan Chapman

Last week, part one of my final opinion column reviewed items one through four on the list of the top 10 things I learned at CSU. This week I will be concluding with numbers five through 10 and signing off from the opinion page forever. So here it is.

Things I have learned while at CSU:

5. CU sucks: Whether they are throwing trash onto the field during football games, smoking weed on campus, or begging for my change on the Pearl Street mall, CU students are (except for a few exclusions) really lame. Their aging, hippy liberal alumni parents also are lame for giving them so much money to spend. Oh, and while I am at it, CSU students who wish they went to CU suck even more. This goes out to all the kids I see walking around campus wearing CU sweatshirts and Buffs stickers on their car…get a life.

6. So does Wyoming, and Air Force: This item pretty much speaks for itself. I hate them because they are our rivals and because both schools play cheap rugby. Yeah that’s it.

7. Most stereotypes have a little bit of truth to them: When I suggest that Kerry/Edwards supporters all wear hemp jewelry, or that women are bad drivers, or that frat guys all carry a bottle of date rape drugs, or that people who play World of War Craft have never had a date, or that all guys who pop their collars are homosexuals, I realize that I am making broad generalizations. Generalizations that may not necessarily apply to all members of that group. I also realize, however, that no matter how many times we hear “oh, that’s just a stereotype” or “stereotyping is bad” most stereotypes are true on numerous occasions. This applies to every gender, race, religion and group of common interest. It even applies to redneck conservatives, idiotic meatheads and arrogant middle-class white guys, such as myself.

8. America is truly the greatest nation in the world: Any country where we can go to school, freely express our opinions and then do whatever we wish with our free time is a great country to live in. This lesson I really learned when I was young, but four years of college has made me appreciate it so much more. We have the opportunity in the near future to get whatever job we want, in whatever city we want and make a decent living at it. We will even have the opportunity to start a family and have as many kids as we want. Try doing that in China (the next great superpower, my ass).

9. Constantly finding something to worry about is a waste of time. Now I know that there are a lot of problems in the world, but let’s be honest: we will be long dead before the polar ice-caps have melted, and Kevin Costner is sailing around collecting dirt. And fossil fuels are not going to run out any time soon, so you can stop worrying about that, too. These people, who are always crying over some new cause, are just forcing undue stress on themselves. If a study conducted by the Bearded Circus Workers of America came out tomorrow saying our children are at risk for alien abduction, someone would be selling bracelets by next week. I, however, have learned that worrying about the serious stuff and letting everything else go is going to prevent me from developing hypertension and dying at 50. Wait. Maybe that would be a worthy cause to support, I’ll get to work on the t-shirts.

10. Colorado State University is all around the best establishment of higher education ever conceived: This last item was a mere hypothesis of mine as a freshman but after four years of study has been proven to be a fact. Based on factors of price, quality of education, number of microbreweries nearby, and average weather awesomeness, I can conclusively say there is no better place to go to school in the entire world. I checked it out, don’t worry

So there you have it. To all the youngsters: good luck with finals and have an absolutely marvelous rest of your college career. To all of my classmates who are graduating and heading out into the world: good luck. Do great things. To the Collegian: thanks for the opportunity, writing is awesome. To my family and friends: thanks for the support, I love you. To Kassi: I love you a million, let’s go have adventures. And to all of CSU in the immortal words of one Ron Burgundy…”Stay Classy.”

Ryan Chapman is a senior speech communication major.

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