Feb 152006
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

When I got a seat in Clark A the other day, I knew it was spring. Normally, finding a seat involves figuring out who is actually holding a seat for someone and who is just pretending so they can have extra elbowroom.

But on that very special day, the first day of spring, I didn't have to call any complete strangers liars. I just came in and sat down. This meant spring to me because it meant people had begun to ditch in droves.

As we all know, nothing is more important than school. Nothing, ever, in the history of this world and all other possible worlds, even weddings and doctor's appointments and fending off space-ants. But distractions can sometimes get in the way of our overwhelming desire to attend each and every wonderful day of education.

Using the energy of pure, crystallized science, I've isolated the causes of ditching and proposed solutions to each. Then I lost all that research and made the following up.

Most classes are ditched because of a simple inability to get out of bed. The alarm goes off, snooze is hit six or 70 times and a class goes unattended. Tragic. It can be hard to leave the warmth of covers, which is why I've patented my very own Water Balloon Alarm Clock.

To set up a Water Balloon Alarm Clock, fill a balloon with a bunch of ice cubes, tie it to your alarm clock and then attach the whole thing to the ceiling over your bed. When you wake up in the morning to smack the snooze, the balloon will pop, waking you up in the most pleasant way possible. We're still working out some kinks where some of our test roommates complained of complications involving electricity and water.

Once you're out of bed, there's the matter of transportation. Regardless of how you get to campus, you'll need to leave the house at least an hour before class starts. Cars will need that time to engage in battles to the death for parking spots. Bikes need the extra time to be hassled by the CSU Police Department. Pedestrians will need the extra time to reflect on how they wish they'd brought/ditched their jacket.

I've heard mad rumors that people will, on occasion, plan their ditching in advance. Instead, they go indulge in "social lives" with friends and loved ones. A little fear-based motivation to keep you from a similar mistake – you're much more likely to be killed or hugged by someone you know.

The best way to avoid the time sink caused by social lives is to take up two separate causes. Firstly, water conservation, which means one shower a week. Secondly, you need to exercise that weight away. Preferably by jogging or rolling around on old fish.

Then there's the dreaded disease known as Senioritis. As a senior, I can assure you there is no such thing as Senioritis. We remain just as motivated as any other class of student to finish everything we start. If anything, I'm more focused and goal driven and blah blah work = yay.

Johnathan Kastner is a senior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the opinion section. He was going to do an article on the Morgan library, but there's no way that situation could get any funnier.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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