It appears that CSU has once again found itself swimming in a pool of controversy with the latest crisis to hit campus: goldfish. These cute carp have somehow infiltrated the lagoon. Some "experts" believe that it was a prank or a kind-hearted gesture to set the "little orange ones free." I say it is a conspiracy committed by none other than G.I.M.P. (Goldfish Infiltrating Majestic Ponds). Those little devils are notorious for purposefully disrupting whole ecosystems and ruining beautiful ponds by having promiscuous and unprotected sex with each other and consequently overpopulating ponds. In order to purge the vermin from the campus pond I call on all fly fishermen inhabiting campus to cast their lines into the heart of the lagoon and rip the disruptive devils from their watery lair.
By allowing fly fishermen to eradicate the hideous herrings we will not only save taxpayers money but appease PETA as well. You might be asking yourself, "Why will PETA approve of such an action?" Here is my answer: We take the captured goldfish and feed them to cats. It is the natural order, the circle of life if you will.
I challenge the administration to think outside the box here and have some fun with creatures that only have a 10 second memory. If you are worried about traumatizing the gilled guppies, don't be, because if you think about it, they won't remember a thing.