Jan 182006
 
Authors: Steven Gross

With a never-ending war in Iraq, stem cell research, professional baseball's major league needle problem and Texas being swept away by both the White Sox and prevailing winds, there is no doubt that 2005 was an unpredictable and unforgiving beast.

Instead of focusing on the serious issues that need resolution in 2006, let's start out the new year by attacking the more minor, inane and entirely irrelevant problems America is facing with a piece I like to call More of/Less of.

We need more fad carb-conscious diets that allow you to eat bacon three times a day. Forget about eating right and exercising; Americans need more ways to dehydrate their bodies into appearing healthier. I'm sure the genius that came up with this idea is enjoying a rich, healthy and prosperous lifestyle right now.

Less Ashlee Simpson.

More terrible daytime talk shows. By giving has-been stars a microphone, an audience and "creative" freedom, comedians across the country are rewarded with hours upon hours of golden material at their expenses.

Less short, incoherent, pointless and unfinished thoughts.

While that concludes the More of/Less of portion of my wish list for 2006, the inane rants are far from over.

While I have a vendetta towards reality television in general, there's one reality show in particular that needs to go away: Survivor. Sure it was entertaining at first, but the magic has gone and no matter how many crocodiles, boxing kangaroos, hungry, hungry hippos and wild Jeff Probsts they throw on the island, Survivor just won't be the same.

If CBS takes my advice, they won't even have to make any changes to their prime-time lineup; the show can still be entitled Survivor, except the new premise will involve following Jeff Probst around as he tries to find work.

As a transfer student who didn't attend CSU in 2002, one thing I would really like to see this year is a Ram victory over the Buffs in football. Sure I've had my differences with the town of Boulder over the years, but there is only one time a year where I genuinely hate everything and everyone from Boulder: during the CSU-CU game.

Some good things can come from this yuppie-filled city however, and this brings me to my next dream for 2006: Fort Collins should follow in Boulder's parent-bought, tasteless, and more importantly, stanky Birkenstock footsteps and start using biodiesel as a fuel source for its public transportation; not so much to conserve oil and protect the environment, but instead to make it so that driving behind a bus leaves one craving french fries as opposed to wanting to vomit uncontrollably.

With that, my abundant list of absurd and inconsequential hopes and dreams for 2006 (at least the printable ones) comes to an end. Whether you celebrated Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus or just some strange ritual that you made up with your imaginary friend in your parent's basement, I hope you had a wonderful holiday season; and if it isn't already at the top of your resolution list, make sure to stay amusingly uninformed every Thursday by continuing to read my columns.

Steven Gross is a senior aeronautics major. His column appears every Thursday in Verve. He would like to assure his readers that he'll stop making fun of Ashlee Simpson when she starts returning his love letters.

 

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