Apr 182005
 
Authors: Tyler Wittman

I don't know about all of you, but I get a bit perturbed when it comes time to register for the next semester's classes. I always spend about an hour going through all the classes I want and assembling them in the perfect order only to have my hopes and dreams crushed come game time.

Freshmen and sophomores can forget about getting into several classes they need every year because of departmental budget cuts. Juniors can be assured that they'll have to take the classes that seniors were smart enough not to take, the kind of classes no one wants to take. Seniors ideally have it made, although even they run into a few snags occasionally. Surely there has to be a better way of doing things than having the individual departments crowded with students trying feverishly to register for the same classes.

I propose that we introduce a few new colleges and/or majors at this university. For example: a School of Public Health, a theology major or a Jedi Academy. All three offer something new to students while expanding CSU's diversity of studies. Now, I know you're all probably thinking, 'Tyler, what would we do with a School of Public Health and a theology major?' Well, I'm not too sure. They don't sound all that intriguing to me either, so let's focus on the last option.

To have a Jedi Academy on campus would immediately put us ahead of several of the nation's top research universities, such as Harvard. We would, of course, need a new building on campus to accommodate the rigors of Jedi studies. This new edifice could be erected in the middle of the Oval.

The building itself would look like a large pyramid that stands several stories high, much taller than any other building on campus. In front of the academy, we could put a statue of Yoda (a famous Jedi Master) with the inscription, "Do or do not, there is no try." It's a nice welcome mat of sorts to the university and has an inspiring quote that applies to any student or Padawan.

We will then offer several majors within the academy, such as Lightsaber proficiency, the force and physics, ethics of Jedi mind tricks, Jedis in pop culture, and psychology of Jedi sexuality. Heck, we might even throw some Wookies studies classes in there for good measure. Students would graduate as Jedis and could pursue master's and doctoral programs so that they might become Jedi Knights or Jedi Masters.

In order to graduate from these programs, students will have to lead Rams sports teams to victory using the force. When you consider the fact that there tend to be more Jedi Knight and Jedi Master graduates during the spring semester, you start to realize that there is hope for the men's basketball team. Overall, the advantages seem to far outweigh the disadvantages, and I see no reason for further delay.

Someone once tried to suggest a Starship Federation Academy, and the idea failed miserably because some poor, misguided soul obviously forgot that Star Trek is completely fake – it's a TV show. A Jedi Academy is exactly what CSU needs to alleviate departmental crowding and registration issues.

The academy would also ensure higher morale because our sports teams would suddenly start doing better (although we'd have to continually deny charges of "Force abuse" and "cheating" from other Mountain West Conference teams). May the Force be with you all as you consider these heavy topics.

Tyler Wittman is a junior speech communication major. His column runs every Tuesday in the Collegian.

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