An ode to bad movies

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Apr 172005
 
Authors: Matt Hitt

This week, in lieu of politics, current events or sweeping social issues, I've decided to tackle something I feel really passionate about: bad movies.

I've come to realize that I have much stronger feelings about, say, "Van Helsing," than I ever do about, say, Iraq.

So I'd like to discuss a few of the worst movies ever made. Now, if a movie presented here happens to be one of your favorites, realize that this is an opinion column. Deciding whether or not a movie sucks is completely subjective. So, if you personally love "Titanic," and I personally think it bit the big one, who's to say who's right or wrong?

I am. "Titanic" was horrible.

So, without further ado, the worst movies ever made:

"Starship Troopers": This movie is so awesomely bad that it's mind-boggling. Take this classic moment: A female soldier is dying, stabbed through the heart by a giant spider. In her dying moments, she tells her lieutenant, who she is in love with, "It's OK, because I got to have you."

Wow. And with that line, feminism sadly retreats another 20 years.

"Van Helsing": Ask any of my friends, and they will tell you that nothing makes my blood boil more than this movie.

"Van Helsing" attempts to create some sort of literary melting pot, with Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, Dr. Jekyll, Igor and the Wolfman all getting in on the act. Plethora.

Unfortunately, the fantasy was better than the reality. This film featured the worst acting ever captured on screen. Period.

Even Hugh Jackman, normally a fine actor, was pathetic. As the legendary Van Helsing, Jackman's performance would best be described as Velveeta with corn.

As Jackman morphs into the Wolfman and carries his dead lover in his arms, he howls in anguish. Just when it seems that the moment couldn't get any stupider, Jackman morphs back into a person, with his howl becoming an impassioned NOOOOOO!!!

Oh, and about Van Helsing's little partner, that annoying monk: worst sidekick ever. I cannot tell you how much I wanted that irritating little brat to get his neck ripped out by a vampire.

"Solaris": You may not have heard of this one, as its run in theaters lasted about as long as New Kids on the Block. It wins the gold star for weirdest movie ever.

At the credits, I saw that Steven Soderbergh had directed it. At which time I remarked, "Steven Soderbergh. Didn't know he was on drugs."

"Titanic": I know it won best picture at the Oscars. I know it is the highest-grossing movie ever. But popularity is no shield from the harsh truths written in Matt Hitt's column.

Let me tell what I liked about "Titanic": Leonardo DiCaprio with icicles on his face.

Let me tell you what I hated about "Titanic" – virtually everything else.

I think it's amazing that in one of the film's most romantic moments, Rose promises Jack to never let go. She should have added, "Unless you're drowning, and I'm trying to save my own sorry butt."

And is it a clue to anyone else that the most memorable thing about the film today is when the random guy eats it on the smokestack while the ship is sinking? That was awesome!

There you have it. The worst movies ever made. If a movie you really hate didn't make the list, stop me on campus and tell me about it, and I'll feign interest while wondering who you are.

If a movie you really love made this list, just remember: Everyone is entitled to his or her own unique and diverse opinion, and yours just happens to be wrong.

Matt Hitt is a sophomore theatre major. His column runs every Monday in the Collegian.

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