As an official Media Insider I have terrific news for all of you – the secret to your 15 minutes of fame. If you don't want to be famous, you must not be American, and as an official Media Insider, it would be my duty to hound you into madness. So join me, won't you, and follow the sweet siren song of fame to the rocky shores of celebrity. And if you don't know, "siren song" means "candy rainbow."
The secret to success is based off a new trend in media coverage – celebrity criminals. There's a disturbing number of famous people committing crimes. As a precaution, I would suggest arresting all celebrities more famous than, say, a college newspaper columnist. But that's another article.
Now I know what you're thinking, as I can read minds and use this power exclusively in my articles. "Gee John, I think I see where you're going. Crime will make me famous, just like a celebrity! I'm going to go stick up a bank!" No. Get back here and take off the zebra-striped shirt. You look like a mime.
Here's the hitch. There are two types of celebrity criminals. The first kind you don't qualify for because they were famous in the first place – Martha, the Jacksons and that one Hilton (Drugs. Give it a week)(cut this?kk). The second kind are the ones who weren't famous to begin with, did violent stuff and became famous. This route is bad, as violence is messy, and it's hard to be famous and covered in gunk. Also, I have strong moral objections and stuff.
How then can you climb from the ranks of "anonymous criminal" to "around the clock trial coverage"? Simple! Commit crimes on celebrities. There's a surplus of the buggers, and most of them are, scientifically speaking, jerks who deserve it. (Disclaimer – Crime may have hazardous side effects including nausea, vomiting, upset stomach and imprisonment. Consult a doctor before using Crime).
For proof of the jerkitude of celebrities, compare the cost of what they are wearing as ear decoration to the total income you expect to earn before you die. After you have finished weeping silently, try to think of what type of crime suits you best. Are you an athletic person? You may be in the market for a run-by pie-chucking. Lazy and pasty? Grab a camera and let the stalking begin.
If you're persistent enough and manage to really tick someone off before they get the handcuffs on you, you just might have the recipe for your very own 15 minutes of fame! To prolong this as much as possible, you'll need to make the trial as entertaining as your crime and arrest.
Wardrobe is a tried and true favorite, as pioneered by those masters of the media, the Jacksons. They've taken the straw of both pajamas and "wardrobe malfunctions," and spun it into media gold. You'll need to top that. Try a pajama malfunction.
By now, your 15 minutes of fame should be well and truly earned. As an official Media Insider, I can promise that once you're famous also, I will hound you into madness.
Johnathan Kastner is a junior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the Dish.