Mar 022005
 
Authors: John P. Walsh

The Collegian, in Conjunction with John P. Walsh, presents:

In today's main event, the heavyweight champion of the country music scene, Willie Nelson, takes on the golden boy of CSU men's basketball, Matt Nelson.

Matt Nelson Willie Nelson

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS

Big tattoo, line beard and Womanly braids, mangy beard,and

signature number 54 signature weathered face

EDGE: Matt

It's just too tough to argue with a sharp-looking line beard.

DAILY ANNOYANCE

Throngs of annoying reporters– Throngs of beautiful women-

EDGE: Willie

I have nothing but sheer reverence for anyone that old who can still get women daily.

SECRET TO SUCCESS

Hard work, agility drills and Placid songs, crooning lyrics,

an occasional protein supplement and an occasional marijuana supplement

EDGE: Willie

Say, I could go for some chocolate mousse…do you guys like chocolate mousse? Seriously. It … is … good.

BEST WWF NICKNAME

Matt "The Mad Dog" Nelson Willie "Blue Eyes Cryin' in

the Rain" Nelson

EDGE: Matt

Even a vote for "The Red-Headed Stranger" wouldn't have given Willie the nod-Matt's

elbow drop is just too fierce.

BAD HABITS

Has trouble utilizing size with Has trouble quitting with

regards to rebounding regards to blazing and boozing

EDGE: Matt

This one's tough, but Matt gets the nod here because he has trouble quitting with regards

to being awesome.

BEST DUET PERFORMANCE

With Brian Greene, NCAA Men's With Julio Iglesias, "To All the Girls

Basketball Championship Tournament, 2003 I've Loved Before," 1984

EDGE: Matt

Matt's performance yielded a 10-point loss to Duke. Julio's "performance" yielded

Enrique and another generation of horrible love ballads.

CELEBRITY LIKENESS

Former Limp Bizkit guitarist Former Capt. Jean Luc Piccard,

Wes Borland Patrick Stewart

EDGE: Willie

Borland's line beard makes this a tough call, but Patrick Stewart, simply put, is a king

among men.

So there you have it. Matt Nelson is the New Heavyweight Champion of the World on a

close 4-3 decision. Corny nicknames and trimmed facial hair reign supreme, and all is

well in the House that "Mad Dog" Built. Look for Matt to defend his title next week against

another worthy opponent.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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