The Collegian, in Conjunction with John P. Walsh, presents:
In today's main event, the heavyweight champion of the country music scene, Willie Nelson, takes on the golden boy of CSU men's basketball, Matt Nelson.
Matt Nelson Willie Nelson
Big tattoo, line beard and Womanly braids, mangy beard,and
signature number 54 signature weathered face
It's just too tough to argue with a sharp-looking line beard.
Throngs of annoying reporters– Throngs of beautiful women-
I have nothing but sheer reverence for anyone that old who can still get women daily.
SECRET TO SUCCESS
Hard work, agility drills and Placid songs, crooning lyrics,
an occasional protein supplement and an occasional marijuana supplement
Say, I could go for some chocolate mousse…do you guys like chocolate mousse? Seriously. It … is … good.
BEST WWF NICKNAME
Matt "The Mad Dog" Nelson Willie "Blue Eyes Cryin' in
the Rain" Nelson
Even a vote for "The Red-Headed Stranger" wouldn't have given Willie the nod-Matt's
elbow drop is just too fierce.
Has trouble utilizing size with Has trouble quitting with
regards to rebounding regards to blazing and boozing
This one's tough, but Matt gets the nod here because he has trouble quitting with regards
to being awesome.
BEST DUET PERFORMANCE
With Brian Greene, NCAA Men's With Julio Iglesias, "To All the Girls
Basketball Championship Tournament, 2003 I've Loved Before," 1984
Matt's performance yielded a 10-point loss to Duke. Julio's "performance" yielded
Enrique and another generation of horrible love ballads.
Former Limp Bizkit guitarist Former Capt. Jean Luc Piccard,
Wes Borland Patrick Stewart
Borland's line beard makes this a tough call, but Patrick Stewart, simply put, is a king
So there you have it. Matt Nelson is the New Heavyweight Champion of the World on a
close 4-3 decision. Corny nicknames and trimmed facial hair reign supreme, and all is
well in the House that "Mad Dog" Built. Look for Matt to defend his title next week against
another worthy opponent.