It is well known that nothing irritates people as much as stuffing them into a hole filled with pigeons, alternatively known as pigeonholing or "labeling." When you stuff a label on someone, they lose their individuality and, depending on where you stick the label, their oxygen.
Nevertheless, irritating people is fun, and fun is happiness, and happiness has proven medical benefits. So for your own good, you must label people as often and inaccurately as possible. Let the following four personality types be your guide.
Leaky Faucets are becoming all too common. As the capitalization would indicate, a Leaky Faucet is not merely a noun, but also a personality type that can't stop dribbling at the mouth. Sure, they sound like they might have a point when the talking starts, but your only reward for listening will be a pool of liquefied goo as your brain attempts to jettison through the mouth.
Leaky Faucets are often found in politics and law, the only fields where the ability to produce endless noise is both a requirement and an asset. But Leaky Faucets can be useful. They talk so very much that, by sheer odds, they must eventually say something meaningful, just like an infinite number of monkeys might eventually produce Shakespeare, but would definitely produce poo.
Secondly, there is Eeyore, the donkey from "Winnie the Pooh." Eeyore was into the drama – everything was sad and he would frequently misplace his tail for attention. Of course there are legitimate reasons to be sad, but an Eeyore seems to know every single one. That hat you like? Profits went to fund nuclear testing in the rainforest. Your favorite ice cream? Made of pressed baby ducks.
Eeyore may know some gloomy stuff, but somebody has to, so it might as well be someone already stuffed with sawdust. But seriously, Eeyore, you're cool. Lighten up.
Don't get too light though, or you may turn into type three – Balloons! Boy, are Balloons ever neat! They're colorful and float all around, and no party would be complete without them. There's absolutely nothing even a little wrong with the Balloon personality.
Well, OK, they tend to occasionally explode loudly. And sure, once you get over the floating and the colors, they're just mostly empty space. But come on! Look at those silly colors!
This sounds like a pretty bleak picture of humanity as an assembly of loons, but there is hope. Legends speak of a fourth type – a kind, noble soul who cares deeply for friends and has empathy for foes. Honest, compassionate and courageous, they exemplify the best humanity has to offer. They're also rather rare, like their namesake, the Unicorn.
People can be part-Unicorn, which I guess would make them some sort of pointy Centaur, but a purebred is hard to find. Be suspicious of anyone's claims to Unicornhood. Make sure they just have the one horn.
There it is, humanity in less than 500 words. Take that, human dignity! The next time someone says something you disagree with, just say, "It's OK you think that, as you're just a sad old Eeyore." Then, as they stare at you in confusion, call them names and leave quickly. It works in political debates, and it can work for you.
Johnathan Kastner is a junior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the Dish.