The cure for disease

Feb 162005
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

Germs! They sweep across the campus like a plague of disease, leaving only the wailing and sneezing of the afflicted echoing in their wake. The first-ever reported instance of disease, according to unnamed and ignorant sources, was the Black Death. It killed more of Europe than anything, except for Europeans, ever has.

How can you protect yourself from this? First, never go abroad, as it is rumored Europeans lurk beyond our borders. If you are worried about germs, however, there happen to be several tricks and tips that I, as a potential medical doctor and shaman of the tribe of Hippocrates, am fully qualified to discuss.

It is vital to understand that germs come in many forms. There are bacteria, fungi, radon, gnomes and megabytes, just to name a few. They all have one thing in common – size, or lack thereof. Germs are little bitty, which is why they can be so sneaky and hard to aim at.

Sadly, this is one problem that can't simply be shot away, unless you invent a really tiny gun. Incidentally, this is my first suggestion. Computers are getting smarter and lasers are getting hotter – synergize. If you hook the two up just right, it'll be like a video game, only healthy.

"Gee John," you might say, "shooting a high-powered laser into my body thousands upon thousands of times sounds like a keen idea, but what if I don't have unrestricted access to experimental weaponry?" Worry not, for you have within you the power to heal yourself. Don't worry; it's nothing touchy-feeling, although I do take donations.

White blood cells are the army within. They identify intruders, destroy them and learn how to better handle future invasions. It's up to you to "arm" them with the tools they need to defend you best. Eat plenty of iron, available at any rock and mineral shop, which the white blood cells forge into swords and armor. Fevers are signs that their forges are running – try to keep your body temperature as high as possible to aid this.

Germs are cunning adversaries and will try to strike when your white blood cells are resting. This by extension means when you are resting, and hence several doctors under duress recommend never, ever sleeping. Drugs are a good start, but they can fail you around the six-day mark. Sandpaper under your eyelids is OK, but ocular bleeding is a social no-no.

The best way to avoid sleep is to have a child. It sounds complicated, but it's a process you can understand just after a few short hours of watching Animal Planet or 30 seconds of MTV. The child's natural protective instincts kick in almost immediately after birth, saving you from countless hours of potentially hazardous sleep.

I hope this sets you on the road to good health, and if you're really lucky, in a vehicle and not just stranded on the median. That would suck. In conclusion, take care of yourselves, and remember, always walk wearing dark colors and against traffic. Backwards.

Johnathan Kastner is a junior English major. His column runs every Thursday in the Dish.

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