Feb 152005
Authors: JP Eichmiller

Every family has a black sheep in its ranks somewhere. Put my relatives to vote and I may be the one nominated for the position. To me, however, that position will always fall to my little brother James, young-Republican extraordinaire. Because he is kin, I cannot hate him for his ways. Yet the mystery of his political affiliation and that of all under-30-year-olds who align themselves with the Grand Old Party never stops to befuddle me. In an attempt to understand the mystery of these creatures, I subjected young James to a series of questions that may help to shed some light on this national dereliction of our youth:

JPE: How do you feel about President Bush's plans to privatize Social Security?

James: I think the privatization of Social Security is a good thing, but I am skeptical about Bush's plan. I still feel people need more choice than his plan suggests. I feel that the government has no business in saving for my retirement; that is not a function that our government should hold. But at the same time, Social Security has become a part of our society. You can't just pull out the rug; any change would have to be very gradual.

JPE: You're wrong of course, but I will allow it. Now onto the tougher questions.

JPE: Who would you prefer to disenfranchise urban blacks or single mothers?

James: (Expletive) – Neither, I don't have to pick one – who would you pick?

JPE: I'm the one asking the questions, and watch your mouth.

JPE: What is more of a threat to our country: gay marriage or the teaching of evolution? James: Teaching of evolution hands down – as an agnostic and a scientific-minded person, the teaching of evolution disgusts me more than you can imagine. Gay people can get married all they want. To propose a constitutional amendment was ludicrous.


JPE: Who would you prefer to have sent to prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba: Hillary Clinton or Osama Bin Laden?

James: Bin Laden, ha ha.

JPE: Better Vice President: Dan Quayle or Dick Cheney?

James: Hmm, I don't remember a whole lot that Quayle accomplished, but I do think he got a bad rap. Like him or not, Cheney has done more (both good and bad) with the position than anyone in a long time. I certainly admit that he is about as trustworthy as Spiro Agnew.

JPE: Don't forget about Dick Nixon.

JPE: If you could only choose one, would you prefer to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of our population or double the spending on national defense?

James: Double the spending on national defense, if I have to choose one.


JPE: What is the preferable conservative method for bringing a foreign country to its knees: depriving the citizens of food and medicine through economic sanctions or carpet bombing the cities.

James: (Expletive)

JPE: Your anger only legitimizes my inquiries.


JPE: Say something nice about Bill Clinton.

James: He was a talented politician, dealt surprisingly well with an opposing Congress, and he is by far the most talented public-speaking president since Edison invented the Kinetiscope. Now you say something nice about President Bush.

JPE: One of his daughters is hot and they both like to party.

JPE: Who has more girly men: France or Germany?

James: Another (expletive) question, but I'll roll with it. Over the past year I befriended a Frenchman and German. Both were trained at the Louve, one in art and the other as a pastry chef, respectively. The Frenchmen was probably a little more girly, so I will go with France (of course this only based on a small sample).

JPE: Which is a better media spokesperson for the Republican Party: Oxycottin-addict Rush Limbaugh or reputed sexual-deviant Bill O'Reilly?

James: O'Reilly is a little more open minded – relatively speaking

JPE: What would be harder to give up: the assault rifle or the sport utility vehicle?

James: I don't have either, but I would say the SUV.

JPE: What is your favorite commandment?

James: I once heard a comedian say that he didn't covet his neighbor's wife, he just wanted to (lay with) her. I thought that was pretty funny. I don't really know any of the others so I guess I will go with that one.

JPE: You have done a fine job at reinforcing the notion that Republicans lack a sense of humor.

JPE: Who could run this country better: Halliburton or the Southern Baptist Church?

James: Halliburton.

JPE: Do you still want me to be the best man at your wedding this summer.

James: Yeah, maybe you could help me write my vows.

J.P. Eichmiller is a senior journalism major. His column runs every Wednesday in the Collegian.

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