Feb 022005
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

As a special gift to all of you, I'll be writing your first essays for you. After you fill in the blanks with relevant details, the essay will appear to be 20 percent original work, which is the magical number that transforms it from plagiarism to research. Visit the Collegian Web site, save this article, turn it into any teacher and I will personally guarantee you an "A"-hyper-mega-pus, or your money back.

In this hectic, modern society of today and possibly tomorrow, there are conflicts and strife. But perhaps none of the conflicts is as important as dumb assignment topic here. Truly, it is a testament to the wisdom of the teacher that he/she works so closely with such an interesting topic, and also has excellent hair/scalp-shine.

An interesting revelation about boring topic is that it was once studied by the Greeks. Greeks studied it naked, because they were pretty much a bunch of creepy old nudists. Despite this, they managed to develop the foundations of wretchedly dry topic to such a point that we study them despite the Pagan nudity.

There have been many recent advances worth noting. Scientists have discovered that certain aspects of eye-bleedingly dull topic help to cure/cause cancer. This is truly a staggering achievement matched only by the cancer causing/curing powers of broccoli, computer monitors, love, eggs and oxygen.

Perhaps some cited quotations will help to prove my point and fulfill the sick need to see me cite (this doesn't seem right). Benjamin Franklin, renowned for saying smart stuff despite being shockingly accident-prone, once said, "A penny saved is the best pillow, the warm tears of your enemy, the sweetest milk." (Source: His speech on July 4, 1742, at exactly 4:30 a.m. Mountain Standard Time, page three, paragraph two, 30 degrees south). See my bibliography for further details.

Now it's time to ice this cake. This essay is good, but it won't be golden until you personalize it or dip it in molten gold, and while bribes are nice, a burning lump is not exactly subtle. Go with personalization. I know there are more blanks than usual, but this is your chance to really shine! Don't screw this up.


Topic is very important to me, because once when I was age it helped me dramatic verb/lie. It was a harrowing time for me, and I cried like a sexually offensive stereotype. Nevertheless, the knowledge I had gained from teachers such as mine, who by the way has hair-related compliment, enabled me to get where I am today – McJob.

To conclude, this essay is perhaps the greatest thing to ever happen. It are free of spelling and sample grammar error, thank two spellcheckers. From ancient Greece to our modern world, there are a few things that have affected us all more than topic. Hey! That's the last one! Gooooal!

Oh. You need a title. Go with, "The Greatest Essay Ever Told." That's pretty much the only way you could make this any worse.

Johnathan Kastner is a junior English major. His columns run every Thursday in the Dish.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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