Jan 312005
Authors: Tyler Wittman

Is your cell phone ringing? If so, stop and ask yourself a few quick questions before answering. Do I want cancer? Do I want my head to explode? Do I never want to score a date again?

Ah yes, these are the perplexities running through any rational person's mind when they make the critical choice to answer or decline a call. The cell phone is the modern-day equivalent to the skeletal machines that mercilessly annihilate humanity in the "Terminator" series. Why you ask? Well, they're trying to kill us all and you probably don't even know it.

First off, ask Marcelino Gonzalez if cell phones have goodwill toward men. His cell phone tried to kill him. Now you're listening.

In an interview with CNN, Gonzalez says he was merely turning on the phone to make a call when it maliciously blew up in his hands. The media want you to believe this and other incidents similar to it are due to faulty batteries (beware Kyocera owners), but they hide the truth: Cell phones hate humans. The phone failed in its attempt to kill him, but it may only be an omen for the future. Imagine a judgment day when all cell phones call each other, simultaneously causing half the world's people to answer their phones in unison and then . . . BOOM!

But wait, there's more. Cell phones supposedly cause tumors. Coincidence? I think not. According to ConsumerAffairs.Com, "new tests funded by the cell phone industry show both biological and statistical links between cell phone use and brain cancer." Does this really surprise anyone? In 2001, cancer (in general) took the lives of 557,271 people in the United States alone. That's second only to heart disease, which claimed 696,947 lives. They have yet to link cell phones to heart disease, but just give them some time.

The most dangerous method that phones use in an attempt to render humans extinct is one most of you may have fallen victim to already without even knowing it. Listen up closely and don't fall behind here: Gentlemen, your dating life is under attack by your cell phone. Think of the cell phone as an electronic leash. What else wears a leash? If you said cute little puppies, then you're right! You think being likened to a cute puppy is good? As my buddy Josh says, a "cute" puppy may cause a girl to stop and pet him, but she won't take him home because she is afraid he'll poop on her carpet. The "cute" puppy gets no lovin'. Cell phones are trying to prevent us from mating, thus never creating offspring, thus eradicating our existence.

I know this is hard to swallow for many, but the truth is that dead humans make for happy cell phones. Consider this the next time your phone starts ringing while you're driving, or you're in class, or you're in the library. Oh yes, the library, that's a place where people go to study in an environment free of cell phone chatter. Everyone should be in control of his or her phone, not the other way around. Leave it at home for a day and you'll feel better; your life may just depend on it.

Tyler Wittman is a sophomore speech communication major. His columns run on Tuesdays in the Collegian.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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