Alone in the rubbish pile

Jan 302005
Authors: Ryan Skeels

"Alone in the Dark" is by far the worst movie of 2005 hands down, and it's not even February yet. All right, so Christian Slater has made some bad career choices in the past, including "Hard Rain" and "Broken Arrow," but what on earth was he thinking taking this role on?

Director Uwe Boll messed up back in 2003 by trying to turn the video game "House of Dead" into a movie, and you would think he learned his lesson. Nope. He does it to himself again, trying to remake the old Atari game, "Alone in the Dark," into a film. The movie follows the paranormal detective Edward Carnby, played by Slater, in his attempt to unravel the mysteries of his clouded past. This past of his isn't normal either; oh no, it involves an orphanage, a crazy scientist and low-budget computer animated demons.

Even going into the movie expecting some mindless but cool entertainment didn't pan out for this one. After 20 or so minutes, you'll find yourself wondering if you can still catch the previews of the movie playing on the screen next door. The beginning is pretty cool. They set up a creative plot and get you pretty psyched about what's to come, demons and all, but then it just bombs.

Even Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff were no match for the horridness of this flick. Reid, Dorff and Slater all seemed like they were reading their lines for the first time, and all the smaller background acting felt like watching a really bad sitcom, with enough unnatural movement and emotions to fill five phone booths.

The moment when you really just put your face into your hands and start to weep is when Reid, out of absolutely nowhere, shows up at Slater's house and just climbs into bed with him.

When a director can actually succeed at making Tara Reid getting into bed look bad, then you know it's time to leave.

There needs to be some sort of organization that puts an end to making video games into movies, and stops people like Uwe Boll and Paul W.S. Anderson from touching movie cameras ever again. If another "Alone in the Dark" or "Alien vs. Predator" comes out again, heads are going to roll. Who knows what Slater was thinking, but if he wants to start making a name for himself again, he had better go back to his skateboarding days of "Gleaming the Cube" and "The Wizard."

0 out of 4 ramheads. Shoot, this one only deserves a horn.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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