I've always been able to see the future. One time, my roommate wanted to juggle knives, and I suddenly got a bad vibe about his fate. Sure enough, the next day he was mauled by raccoons. If I can predict that, what's to stop me from precisely plotting out the entire course of the next year? Logic? I'd so kick logic's stripy blue butt!
Many psychics can be vague, relying on hindsight and interpretation to connect the dots. Not me. My predictions will be accurate and truthful, down to the very letter, or I can promise you that I'll deny ever having made them.
This year will see the rise of many long-loved science fiction clich/s – robots, flying cars and cyborg mutant super soldiers. Fortunately, none of them will attempt to overthrow their human masters. Unfortunately, because of outsourcing, none of that will be happening here. In American technological news, we will digitally re-master Star Wars. Again.
On the good-news side, I predict that there will finally be peace in the Middle East. War is a plague on humanity, and as the birthplace of civilization, this region has always been full of it. But in 2005, the wars will finally be over! I know what you're thinking – smoking crater. Hopefully not.
No, the wars will end once everyone remembers that their religions promote nonviolence. Boy, will there be some red faces. Talk about having your foot in your mouth – for like a thousand years! Silly Middle East.
Domestically, we will continue the War on Naughty Words. Ever since Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" made obscenity funny again, the Federal Communications Commission has made it its goal to create an aura of fear and suppression. In 2005, the FCC will merge with a like-minded entity, the politically correct movement, to create a colossus of bloody destruction. It will become illegal to mention any aspects of major religions by name, or say words that are synonymous with swears. So say it while you can – crap darn fart heck Christmas.
Fashion will change tremendously in 2005. Red will become the new yellow, yellow will become the new black, and black will become the new green. As reality further disintegrates, scientists will regret ever having messed with quantum physics.
As for you, personally, I predict a time of changes ahead. You will face many trials and have several key choices that could potentially alter your life. But if you stick to your convictions while accepting change, prosperity can be yours. Love is waiting, if you are patient and hurry to seek it. Your winning lottery numbers are your shoe size divided by your weight.
Entirely unlike the dozens of years that have come before it, 2005 will be different. Since it's all been pre-ordained by me, you can all just kick back and let fate take its course. So relax, forget your resolutions and let the world make itself a better place. Also, there's a slight chance meteors will kill us all.
Johnathan Kastner is a junior English major. His columns run weekly in the Dish.