Jan 192005
Authors: Nicholas LoFaro

Good Riddance In 2005

This past year had a lot to offer, so looking back, is looking forward. So far, 2005 is looking good, but in order to ensure its goodness, I have compiled a list of people and events that need to be removed and/or sent far, far away where they are inaudible and invisible. The following need to be exiled and/or extinguished!

-Dr. Phil: What a turkey! He is a plague to the weak, vulnerable and overly self-conscious mind, and the worst part is that there are people who really eat up what he says. Why is he everywhere? Have people stopped listening to their own minds?

-Paris Hilton: After I saw an advertisement with this idiot wearing a "Vote or Die!" T-shirt I thought, "She can't be serious!" Personally, I don't want Paris voting. The mere thought of her discussing politics makes me want to vomit. Oh, and while we're on the subject of Paris, remove her sister Nicky as well, and their little rat dogs, too!

-Mini-Britney Spears: They say that Jamie Lynn Spears is the younger sister. However, I have very large reason to believe that she is a clone. I guess the only way that Spears' record label will make her music timeless is by creating a different Britney for every generation. How disposable!

-Donald Trump: Someone please fire him. Thanks, that'd be great.

-Good Charlotte: They look hard, they look punk and they look like they might beat you up,

but wait, look a little closer … it's another boy band!

-William Hung: He's the laughing stock of the world, and he's laughing all the way to the bank. Actually, let's keep him; he's a good laugh.

-American Idol: Let's get one thing straight. Are these people anyone's idols? Didn't think so. If we can't remove this ridiculous show, can we at least feed Clay Aikin to a lion or something?

-Lo-carb diets: Stop it now. There is no diet revolution, or ultimate remedy. I say, eat what you want and send your leftovers to third-world countries or give them to the guy in the street wearing his underwear on the outside of his jeans. Quit ruining good food.

-Ashlee Simpson: You'd think that two horrible performances on "Saturday Night Live" and at the Orange Bowl would stop her, but no. She's like the Energizer Bunny, and another season of her reality TV show begins again. Is there an end? Oh, and take the anarchy sign off your stage you ignoramus. Her sister, Jessica, is cool in my book. Not all the lights are on, but that's OK because she's like a puppy. Just don't let her talk okay?

-Football Game Halftime Shows: While we're on the subject of Ashlee Simpson, whatever happened to good halftime shows? AC/DC and Metallica are still alive. What about Run DMC, the Beastie Boys, 311, Rob Zombie or Van Halen? Where's the fury? What football player listens to Kelly Clarkson? This is football, not "TRL."

-Michael Jackson: OK, he has made some great albums in his day, but then he lost his mind and his nose. The guy is falling apart, and he has gotten more publicity for that then when he was building up his solo career. Leave him alone already, and remember the good ol' days.

-Ron Artest: Actually we should keep this guy in the NBA. That breakdown where he beat up people in the audience was the most entertaining sight in sports I've seen since Tyson bit off Holyfield's ear! I've always wanted the ballers to act like hockey players, and vice versa. Keep the entertainment rolling in!

-Ridiculous Media Adjective Usage: A tsunami is not a "deadly tsunami"; a tsunami is a tsunami. It is a big, destructive wave, and there is no need to place a descriptive word in front of it.

-Global Warming: No one really seems to be paying attention to this. It might be because the wording is too soft. "Global warming" is a euphemism. I think if we called it "terrorism," Americans might pay more attention to it, because, that's what it is after all: Global Terrorism.

Nicholas LoFaro is a sophomore English major. He also does CD reviews for the Collegian.

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