Dec 082004
 
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

Christmas is an oft-hyped holiday whose presence is synonymous with cheer and joy. But, like anything fun, there is a darker side that can easily ruin your enjoyment forever once you learn more about it. With that in mind, I present my startling expos/. I call it – Christmas Catastrophe – The Undead Plague.

The undead, defined as "People who actually gave it 110 percent," come in a wide variety of colors and flavors. You may be disinclined to believe that the undead and Christmas go hand in decaying hand, but this is due to brainwashing by the pro-undead-wing media.

The plan, as I have uncovered it from the inside, was to cover-up incidents of undead activity with cheery Christmas stories. This is a plan as simply ingenious as it is entirely not fabricated.

You may be familiar with a certain Christmas story about a fuzzy green, evil little fellow who drained Christmas of all its lifeblood and was defeated when sunrise caused his heart to explode three times. Now, what if I told you we were not discussing Dracula, but rather the infamous Grinch? You would probably be very surprised, had there been any chance that Dracula was green or fuzzy.

Clearly, the Grinch is a vampire. He lords over the simple people of Who-ville from his mountainous lair, but descends at night to feed on their Christmas spirit, which he then attempts to hurl from a mountaintop, exactly as a real vampire would. He gains super-strength after his death by triple heart explosions. Most telling of all, he eats roast beast, not roast stake.

The Grinch is far from alone. Take something pure, white, and cuddly – snow. Now, possess it with a demonic force and a penchant for teaching kids to smoke corncob pipes – enter Frosty. "But wait," you might be saying, "Frosty isn't dead, he's just snow." True, but he melts and comes back every year, refusing to remain politely dead.

Clearly, the snow is a preservative for a mummy that lives inside the snow-beast. Mummies are historically a way to preserve the dead. But history lies, and Frosty is undeniably the product of evil magic. Sources claim that the old silk hat they found may be the source of his curse.

Speaking of snappy dressers, there's one more fellow that bears discussion. He's making a list, checking it twice, and he died several hundred years ago. Dread Lord/Saint Nicolas rises from the grave once per year to feed on the cookies and milk of the living. That business about coal and gifts, I hate to tell you, was actually done by your parents. Santa is just there for the snacks.

The evidence speaks for itself, and I didn't even need to touch the vast wealth of evidence presented to me by one Ebenezer Scrooge, who has met with ghosts claiming a literal connection to Christmas itself! I hope my research squeezed just enough of the fun out of the holiday season to keep you safe. Merry Christmas, and remember, most undead can be taken out by a well-placed headshot.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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