Messin’ With Texas

Nov 292004
Authors: J.P. Eichimiller

Being a liberal in Oklahoma can be hard. When grandpa died and grandmother migrated to Florida two years ago, I feared the last two Democrats remaining had left the territory.

My worst fears were realized a few weeks ago, as my native state elected Tom Coburn, perhaps the most polarizing candidate in the country, to the U.S. Senate. Coburn is from the neo-conservative mold of hatred and bigotry followed by our own Rep. Marilyn Musgrave. Instead of being impassioned with gays like Musgrave is, Coburn focuses his energy and hypocrisy on attacking women's rights while encouraging the death penalty. If Sen. Coburn has his way, abortions will be illegal under all circumstances, including women who are the victims of rape and incest. It makes one miss the 1990s, when radical Republicans such as David Duke and Pat Buchanan were ostracized instead of being elected to office.

I am, however, diverging from my goal, which is not to go on another political rant but rather to divert my attention from the mess our nation and world now finds itself in. This is why my thoughts return to home. Because although I may be living through the worst presidency in the last 100 years, there is one constant in life to turn to for hope: University of Oklahoma football.

Apologies to all of you loyal Rams fans out there, but if you came to CSU for the football, then the school has lowered the academic standards further than I had previously believed. Love CSU for the people, the unlimited recreation, the beauty of Colorado and the O'Dell's brewery, but not for the football team. For this fix I turn to my beloved Sooners, who are 11-0, and preparing to kick the snot out of the Buffaloes from Boulder in the Big 12 Conference championship game.

Democrats may have a tough time winning in Texas, but not the Sooners. Coach Bob Stoops and his team polished off no fewer than five teams from the Lone Star State. Most satisfying of these, a shutout of the hated University of Texas, which had to suffer the indignity of losing to OU for the fifth consecutive year.

Worry about the ineptness of those in charge of our national defense? Not me. Not while the Sooners are fielding a defense of future draft picks. My boys have thrown goose eggs on two teams this year and allowed only three points in the last two games. If the President Bush team worked this hard on D, those Sept. 11, 2001, terrorists would have been taken down like the girly-men from the University of Nebraska.

An out-of-control war, record-setting national debt, rising health costs, loss of quality jobs, higher heat and gas bills, substandard education, growing differential between the wealthy elite and the millions in poverty! Whatever. Last year's Heisman Trophy winner, quarterback Jason White, is handing the ball off to future a Heisman winner, running back Adrian Peterson. Peterson, a 19-year-old man-child, has been treating opponents' defenses with about as much respect as Trent Lott gives blacks in Mississippi.

Past debacles from Florida no longer bother me. The only result from that state I care about is the score from the upcoming Orange Bowl, where, come January, OU will claim another national championship. My resulting state of bliss will allow me to pay no attention to the presidential inauguration other than to see how many eggs are thrown at the president's motorcade.

As I look at the world through maroon-tinted glasses, I imagine the future four years from now. OU has defeated Texas for the ninth straight year and is preparing to play for yet another national title. Bob Stoops has announced plans to run as the Democratic governor of Oklahoma, thus restoring southern pride in the party. And of course the Republican Party has gone the way of the Whigs and Federalists. Splintering into factions of uber-conservatives versus moderates who remember that Republicans are supposed to represent fiscal responsibility, conservative foreign policy, states' rights and individual liberties. Dare to imagine.

JP Eichmiller



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