Nov 102004
Authors: Eric Klamper

If you’re anything like me, you know that only missing three

classes this week entitles you to a night of celebration. This is

why God invented Fridays, for the purpose of allowing college

students to rejoice in unified hooliganism across town.

But where to begin this night of earned gratification? That all

depends on your agenda.

If you prefer to stay in and get a jump start on next week’s

homework by cataloging your notes, good for you. I’ll probably end

up working in your garden some day, you under-appreciated

overachiever. But seriously, how fun can a one-man game of

Battleship really be? Agoraphobia will set in soon.

For those of you with a normal, semi-self-destructive urge to

paint the town red and wake up with your pants missing in action, I

offer you the following examples of how to do it right.

If the bar scene is prohibited for you by the powers that be,

don’t you fret none you whippersnapper, there are still plenty of

things to do. Try your hand at bowling or putt-putt golf or some

other hillbilly athletic event. Gather your courage together and

take a date to a movie for some necking, and eventually spooning.

Play Halo2 like it’s your new religion. Go skinny-dipping in

Horsetooth Reservoir. But no matter what, avoid the urge to go to

bed early or take laundry back home to mom because your

opportunities to enjoy Friday nights in Fort Collins are


Assuming you’re of age, or at least have documentation that

claims you are, I recommend starting the night the moment class is

over and you’ve managed to con your friends into premature mayhem.

Beat the rush of tequila-driven middle-aged yuppies and get to the

Rio Grande Mexican Restaurant before the line forms and enjoy one

or two of the restaurant’s highly potent and moderately priced

margaritas. Taking a sober driver is mandatory for this scenario,

as Rio margaritas are notorious for being catalysts of instant

liquid confidence.

After the Rio, if you’re able to avoid the seductive call of the

mid-afternoon nap, why not educate yourself about the impressive

wind-powered New Belgium Brewery and its inspiring story of

success? P.S. They will give you free beer if you act


If you’ve followed the above steps correctly, you will most

likely already find yourself socially lubed enough to accomplish

feats that you will later deny responsibility for. A short

reprieve, at this time, might be in order because the night always

delivers plenty of options.

For those of us with slim pocketbooks there are still ways to

hit the town. Tailgate Tommy’s recently reopened its doors and

still offers $2 you-call-it Fridays and Saturdays, and there are

random drink specials at most the nearby establishments in Old

Town. But for those who have some cash to burn, why not try out a

more classy and sophisticated bar? Elliot’s Martini Lounge is an

excellent place to bring a date and have a more intimate

conversation, discussing vineyards and property taxes or whatever

the hell you rich people go on about.

For the rest of you who are trying to find the happy medium

between responsibility and immaturity, just meander through Old

Town and stop at whatever location suits your fancy. Practice your

pelvic thrusts on that dance floor at Suite 152 or throw a peanut

into a friend’s beer at Lucky Joe’s.

Don’t forget to call whoever you’re crushing on at the romantic

hour of 3 a.m. so you can nonchalantly inquire as to “what they’re

up to” – for it’s moments of tenderness like these that bring young

people together. Nothing says, “I love you,” like a slurred, “Hey,

are you sleeping?”

If the night dwindles on and you suddenly find yourself taking

in a Colorado sunrise, don’t be discouraged. There’s always the

Ever Open Caf� to satisfy your annual lard intake with a

single pancake, and you’re also right on schedule to get tailgating

for the 10 a.m. football game on Saturday versus Nevada-Las Vegas.

Plus, the night of numbification will soften the blow in case of

another spanking. Go Rams!!

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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