If you’re anything like me, you know that only missing three
classes this week entitles you to a night of celebration. This is
why God invented Fridays, for the purpose of allowing college
students to rejoice in unified hooliganism across town.
But where to begin this night of earned gratification? That all
depends on your agenda.
If you prefer to stay in and get a jump start on next week’s
homework by cataloging your notes, good for you. I’ll probably end
up working in your garden some day, you under-appreciated
overachiever. But seriously, how fun can a one-man game of
Battleship really be? Agoraphobia will set in soon.
For those of you with a normal, semi-self-destructive urge to
paint the town red and wake up with your pants missing in action, I
offer you the following examples of how to do it right.
If the bar scene is prohibited for you by the powers that be,
don’t you fret none you whippersnapper, there are still plenty of
things to do. Try your hand at bowling or putt-putt golf or some
other hillbilly athletic event. Gather your courage together and
take a date to a movie for some necking, and eventually spooning.
Play Halo2 like it’s your new religion. Go skinny-dipping in
Horsetooth Reservoir. But no matter what, avoid the urge to go to
bed early or take laundry back home to mom because your
opportunities to enjoy Friday nights in Fort Collins are
Assuming you’re of age, or at least have documentation that
claims you are, I recommend starting the night the moment class is
over and you’ve managed to con your friends into premature mayhem.
Beat the rush of tequila-driven middle-aged yuppies and get to the
Rio Grande Mexican Restaurant before the line forms and enjoy one
or two of the restaurant’s highly potent and moderately priced
margaritas. Taking a sober driver is mandatory for this scenario,
as Rio margaritas are notorious for being catalysts of instant
After the Rio, if you’re able to avoid the seductive call of the
mid-afternoon nap, why not educate yourself about the impressive
wind-powered New Belgium Brewery and its inspiring story of
success? P.S. They will give you free beer if you act
If you’ve followed the above steps correctly, you will most
likely already find yourself socially lubed enough to accomplish
feats that you will later deny responsibility for. A short
reprieve, at this time, might be in order because the night always
delivers plenty of options.
For those of us with slim pocketbooks there are still ways to
hit the town. Tailgate Tommy’s recently reopened its doors and
still offers $2 you-call-it Fridays and Saturdays, and there are
random drink specials at most the nearby establishments in Old
Town. But for those who have some cash to burn, why not try out a
more classy and sophisticated bar? Elliot’s Martini Lounge is an
excellent place to bring a date and have a more intimate
conversation, discussing vineyards and property taxes or whatever
the hell you rich people go on about.
For the rest of you who are trying to find the happy medium
between responsibility and immaturity, just meander through Old
Town and stop at whatever location suits your fancy. Practice your
pelvic thrusts on that dance floor at Suite 152 or throw a peanut
into a friend’s beer at Lucky Joe’s.
Don’t forget to call whoever you’re crushing on at the romantic
hour of 3 a.m. so you can nonchalantly inquire as to “what they’re
up to” – for it’s moments of tenderness like these that bring young
people together. Nothing says, “I love you,” like a slurred, “Hey,
are you sleeping?”
If the night dwindles on and you suddenly find yourself taking
in a Colorado sunrise, don’t be discouraged. There’s always the
Ever Open Caf� to satisfy your annual lard intake with a
single pancake, and you’re also right on schedule to get tailgating
for the 10 a.m. football game on Saturday versus Nevada-Las Vegas.
Plus, the night of numbification will soften the blow in case of
another spanking. Go Rams!!