Nov 102004
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

In this hectic, modern society of ours, communication plays a

vital role. But did you know that times change? Because of a change

in times, today is different from several years ago, and our

country is more polarized than ever. Hence, it is imperative not to

say anything clever that could provoke controversy and lessen

unity. One must be, as it is said, politically correct.

Let’s start with obscenity, midwife to the politically correct

movement. The rules defining obscenity may seem obscure, but really

they make just as much sense as they are fun. Simply put, there are

some places that it might seem appropriate, even necessary to use a

naughty word, but no – there never is.

If you dropped a hammer or lava on your foot, you might be

tempted to drop something much worse – an F-bomb. But instead, try

suppressing your rage in with a fun word like “Fudge!” With this

kind of self-control, you can change a mangled foot into a tasty


Conversely, it is fine to say things that sound obscene but are

not. If, for example, you were to discuss migration among mice, you

might say, “Titmice have no congenital drive to visit Lake

Titicaca,” or while discussing astronomy, “Uranus is rising over

the full moon, and could stand to lose a few pounds.” Remember,

when being politically correct, appearances beat the snot out of


Now that your language is clean, we can begin building a barrier

between what you think and what you say. It is critically important

not to have an opinion, or if you can’t help yourself, to smother

opinion with the soothing pillow of PC talk.

An unfiltered message might fall upon the angry ears of someone

who does not approve and can afford a lawyer. Let’s watch what

happens when an unfiltered message is carelessly unleashed. “War is

bad.” So, if war is bad, are you saying that not-war is good? That

Saddam should be in power? Did you love Saddam? Guards, seize


See how easily I arrested that hypothetical character? This need

for politically correct speech predates the movement itself. As an

example from the annals of history, “It is unlikely that any of

those people you are burning are actually witches. Wouldn’t a witch

use magic to escape, or not be caught in the first place?” And

wouldn’t only a witch know something like that, heathen?

Remember, form over substance. You can say whatever offensive,

inexplicable garbage you want as long as you say it the right way.

Let’s say you had an innovative but terrible idea to solve world

poverty and world hunger at the same time. You can’t come right out

and say, “McPeasant’s,” so you’ll need a spin. Thus, “The needs of

the nutritionally and financially challenged can be synergized to

form a new paradigm of prosperity and deliciousness.” Remember to

stay vague and cheerful until after the first round of


Free speech is a wonderful, slightly overused tool that if

properly applied can bring people together under a snug blanket of

meaninglessness. So if the threat of lawsuits or angry mobs hangs

over your head, remember, it’s not conforming, it’s confunning!

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.