In this hectic, modern society of ours, communication plays a
vital role. But did you know that times change? Because of a change
in times, today is different from several years ago, and our
country is more polarized than ever. Hence, it is imperative not to
say anything clever that could provoke controversy and lessen
unity. One must be, as it is said, politically correct.
Let’s start with obscenity, midwife to the politically correct
movement. The rules defining obscenity may seem obscure, but really
they make just as much sense as they are fun. Simply put, there are
some places that it might seem appropriate, even necessary to use a
naughty word, but no – there never is.
If you dropped a hammer or lava on your foot, you might be
tempted to drop something much worse – an F-bomb. But instead, try
suppressing your rage in with a fun word like “Fudge!” With this
kind of self-control, you can change a mangled foot into a tasty
Conversely, it is fine to say things that sound obscene but are
not. If, for example, you were to discuss migration among mice, you
might say, “Titmice have no congenital drive to visit Lake
Titicaca,” or while discussing astronomy, “Uranus is rising over
the full moon, and could stand to lose a few pounds.” Remember,
when being politically correct, appearances beat the snot out of
Now that your language is clean, we can begin building a barrier
between what you think and what you say. It is critically important
not to have an opinion, or if you can’t help yourself, to smother
opinion with the soothing pillow of PC talk.
An unfiltered message might fall upon the angry ears of someone
who does not approve and can afford a lawyer. Let’s watch what
happens when an unfiltered message is carelessly unleashed. “War is
bad.” So, if war is bad, are you saying that not-war is good? That
Saddam should be in power? Did you love Saddam? Guards, seize
See how easily I arrested that hypothetical character? This need
for politically correct speech predates the movement itself. As an
example from the annals of history, “It is unlikely that any of
those people you are burning are actually witches. Wouldn’t a witch
use magic to escape, or not be caught in the first place?” And
wouldn’t only a witch know something like that, heathen?
Remember, form over substance. You can say whatever offensive,
inexplicable garbage you want as long as you say it the right way.
Let’s say you had an innovative but terrible idea to solve world
poverty and world hunger at the same time. You can’t come right out
and say, “McPeasant’s,” so you’ll need a spin. Thus, “The needs of
the nutritionally and financially challenged can be synergized to
form a new paradigm of prosperity and deliciousness.” Remember to
stay vague and cheerful until after the first round of
Free speech is a wonderful, slightly overused tool that if
properly applied can bring people together under a snug blanket of
meaninglessness. So if the threat of lawsuits or angry mobs hangs
over your head, remember, it’s not conforming, it’s confunning!