Nov 012004
Authors: JP Eichmiller

It is time to give up on this charade of indecision. Those

attention seekers among the voting population who up till now have

sat on the fence waffling in the political rhetoric are going to

have to make a decision today.

No longer will those who have chosen their alliance pay the

undecided ones with any more of attention. After today, those who

choose not to vote or declare an affiliation will return to their

respective spots of obscurity, to be forgotten and marginalized

until it is deemed politically imperative to deal with them once

again. So, for the politically colorblind among us, here is the

idiot’s, err, I mean the undecided’s guide to voting this


President: Worried about drinking and a loss of morals on

campus? Earl Dodge of the Prohibition Party may be for you. Did a

big corporation lay off a family member? Ralph Nader of the Reform

Party will take on those fat cats at the country club. Or you can

choose between George W. Bush, the incumbent Republican, and John

Kerry, the Democratic senator from Massachusetts. Bush, the son of

a war hero and former president, grew up in a wealthy aristocratic

family, attended Yale and Harvard, avoided service in Vietnam

through political connections, started drinking, got married, had

children, found God, got sober, was given a baseball team, traded

Sammy Sosa for nothing, sold the team for profit, became governor

of Texas and was later elected president even though he received

fewer votes than the other guy. John Kerry grew up in an

aristocratic family from New England, attended Yale, volunteered

for Vietnam, earned citations for his service, returned to America

and protested the war, became a U.S. senator, married two extremely

rich women, had children and recently decided to run for


Senator: Douglas “Dayhorse” Campbell is using some tricky

semantics to try and get elected. The representative of the

American Constitution Party is hoping to confuse voters in the

booths into thinking they are voting for retiring Sen. Ben

“Nighthorse” Campbell. But don’t be mistaken, there is no way that

“Dayhorse” could be as crooked and inept as the outgoing senator

proved to be. Pete Coors is running as the Republican

representative for Colorado. Coors, of Golden, is known locally for

making incredibly poor quality beer and for advocating the lowering

of the drinking age, which would no doubt help boost sales of

Keystone Light. Ken Salazar is Colorado’s attorney general and is

also a Democrat, which makes him a bit of an anomaly. Salazar, a

rancher from the San Luis Valley, owns a Dairy Queen at which he

employs his wife and daughters. If you need a mental picture of the

two to remember them by, Coors’ company is represented by busty

twins, and Salazar likes to walk around in an oversized 10-gallon

Stetson hat.

House of Representatives: Bob Kinsey of the Green Party is

fighting an uphill battle to represent the 4th District in

Congress. The Green Party is severely underrepresented in Congress

and has never had one of its candidates elected president. The two

heavyweights in this fight are Democrat Stan Matsunaka and

Republican Marilyn Musgrave. Other than their gender, appearance

and values, there’s not a whole lot of difference between the two

candidates. Matsunaka is a Loveland native of Japanese decent who

served as a state senator for eight years including two as Senate

president. He has tended to walk the moderate line, which is a

necessity for a Democrat in the conservative parts of northern and

eastern Colorado. Marilyn Musgrave is an outspoken social

conservative with an agenda that centers around supposed “family

values.” These values include the exclusion of homosexuals, a

doctrine of abstinence and elimination of a woman’s right to not

have a baby. Were this the 1940s, Musgrave would also no doubt

support the relocation of Japanese decedents such as Matsunaka to

internment camps.

There is the big three for you to vote on. After that it is all

local yokels and judges. On these it is recommended you vote only

Communist Party and against the retention of any judges. As for

voter initiatives, go ahead and vote “yes” on all of them – after

all, those people put a lot of work into getting all those

petitions signed.

 Posted by at 6:00 pm

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