Oct 202004
Authors: By Johnathan Kastner

My last advice column was so successful that some of the readers

who listened to me actually survived. Encouraged by this, I have

continued on my quest to solve other people’s problems, whether

they actually ask me to or not. If, however, you would like to

email me, the universal solvent, the address is

jkastner@simla.colostate.edu. There is no problem too big or

compound too small that I cannot dis-solve it, and the following

are no exceptions.

My dorm room is cool like cold, but not cool like kickass. Fix

both of these for me, but keep it cheap. I’m poor because my dad

won’t give me any more money.

I spent 30 years as a professional interior decor engineering

foreman scientologist, so you’ve come to the right place. The

heating problem is easily fixed – do you have a microwave? Tape it

open and keep it running 26 hours a day. The same technology that

heats your leftovers can keep you toasty at night on a cellular

level. As for cool of the donkey-slaying variety, you need green.

Parents can be easily bilked of money provided you don’t mind

sending them fake hospital bills. Make sure to claim something rare

and contagious so they won’t try to check up on you. Or you could

just beat up kids, since morals don’t seem to be a problem for you.


I am bored.

Fire has entertained man for thousands of years. Try burning

stuff. Be careful though, or it will only entertain you for a few


I keep tuning out in class when the teacher is babbling. I try

to take notes but he keeps going off on stuff that doesn’t matter,

and the room is warm, and it’s in the afternoon so I’m tired. How

can I force myself to pay attention?

Well, it’s impossible to pay attention if you don’t care about

something and it doesn’t sound like the class is very interesting

to you. Maybe you should stop going? You could hire someone to go

for you to take notes and tests. You’re a busy person, and there’s

a surplus of workers, so why not delegate? Really, you’re just

doing your part to speed along economic turnaround. This flaw-free

logic indicates that it is your privilege, nay, your duty as an

American citizen, to ditch as many classes as possible.

Guys are so hard to read. How can I tell if this guy I know is

into me? We’ve hung out and talked a few times and he’s soooooo


Well, guys are notoriously hard to read, mainly because we have

no idea what we’re thinking. Guys, generally associated with dogs,

are actually more like cats in this respect. Ever see a cat

randomly jump into the air and take off at a full sprint? That’s

what everything is like for a guy. But odds are, if he drags

something dead into your living room and leaves it there, he likes


Any surviving questions can be forwarded to me, and I’ll make

sure to take real good care of them. Or you could just keep them

quietly to yourself, but it’s a verifiable scientific theory that

unanswered questions cause leprosy.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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