Oct 132004
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

My last advice column was so successful that some of the readers who listened to me actually survived. Encouraged by this, I have continued on my quest to solve other people’s problems, whether they actually ask me to or not. If however you would like to e-mail me, the universal solvent, the address is jkastner@simla.colostate.edu. There is no problem too big or compound too small that I cannot dis-solve it, and the following are no exceptions.

My dorm room is cool like cold, but not cool like kick (donkey). Fix both of these for me, but keep it cheap. I’m poor because my dad won’t give me some more money.

I spent 30 years as a professional interior decor engineering foreman scientologist, so you’ve come to the right place. The heating problem is easily fixed – do you have a microwave? Tape it open and keep it running 26 hours a day. The same technology that heats your leftovers can keep you toasty at night on a cellular level. As for cool of the donkey-slaying variety, you need green. Parents can be easily bilked of money provided you don’t mind sending them fake hospital bills. Make sure to claim something rare and contagious so they won’t try to check up on you. Or you could just beat up kids, since morals don’t seem to be a problem for you. Jerk.

I am bored.

Fire has entertained man for thousands of years. Try burning stuff. Be careful though, or it will only entertain you for a few minutes.

I keep tuning out in class when the teacher is babbling. I try to take notes but he keeps going off on stuff that doesn’t matter, and the room is warm, and it’s in the afternoon so I’m tired. How can I force myself to pay attention?

Well, it’s impossible to pay attention if you don’t care about something, and it doesn’t sound like the class is very interesting to you. Maybe you should stop going? You could hire someone to go for you to take notes and tests. You’re a busy person, and there’s a surplus of workers, so why not delegate? Really, you’re just doing your part to speed along economic turnaround. This flaw-free logic indicates that it is your privilege, nay, your duty as an American citizen, to ditch as many classes as possible.

Guys are so hard to read. How can I tell if this guy I know is into me? We’ve hung out and talked a few times and he’s sooo cute.

Well, guys are notoriously hard to read, mainly because we have no idea what we’re thinking. Guys, generally associated with dogs, are actually more like cats in this respect. Ever see a cat randomly jump into the air and take off at a full sprint? That’s what everything is like for a guy. But odds are, if he drags something dead into your living room and leaves it there, he likes you.

Any surviving questions can be forwarded to me, and I’ll make sure to take real good care of them. Or you could just keep them quietly to yourself, but it’s a verifiable scientific theory that unanswered questions cause leprosy.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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