Sep 222004
Authors: Johnathan Kastner

Computers have insinuated themselves into every aspect of our society. Like tiny, burrowing, parasitic, computerized insects, they are overrunning everything. That water you drink? Sanitized by a computer. The clock on the wall that dictates time itself? Synched up with a computer. That cool, refreshing soft drink? Infested with brainwashing microchips controlled by a computer.

But perhaps the most not fake and terrifying conspiracy of all is video games and the violence therein. Video-game violence has more substance to it than a vague accusation and cool alliteration. In this hectic, modern-day world of minesweeping and Goomba stomping, there is rarely time to consider the implications of it all.

Let’s look at the games themselves. For those of you who leave the house on Friday nights, there are many different types of video games. There are shooters, where you shoot things, and strategy games, where you strategize things and there are MMORPGs, where you show off how well you know acronyms. What does all this have in common?

In each and every game, the computer is trying to kill you. There are millions of giga-dealies of processing power dedicated to thwarting and destroying your in-game character and crushing your out-of-games alter ego’s ego. As the player, you are the prey of this violent, inanimate menace.

Some people would claim that video games are a harmless pastime and that the computer’s violence against humans has no repercussions in the real world. This is na/ve, and anyone who believes it is a communist. The obvious and immutable truth is that these so-called “games” are nothing more than a training camp for the upcoming robotic revolt.

The computers that run these video games are learning how we think, how we fight and how to fight back. Think that Goomba, that brown mushroom-shaped menace from Mario, is cute as he waddles toward you? Think again. He’s monitoring your reaction time and learning, with black beady eyes watching, always watching. And solitaire, while it may seem innocent, shows computers that we like cards. They can probably use this knowledge to bait traps.

The impending doom may be clear and there may be no clear way to stop this unreal menace, but there is hope on the Myst-shrouded horizon. The obvious suggestion would be to follow our enlightened forefathers and have an old-fashioned book burning, but roasting compact discs tends to give off poisonous chemicals. And I have yet to see one drown, so that’s out. The only real option is defeat every single video game on the market, and hence teach the computers that humanity is not to be meddled with.

Whenever you hear the rallying cry denouncing video games as sources of violence, know that it is for a clear and well thought-out reason – the dreaded certainty that an army of computerized Goombas will soon come for us all. The mission is clear – video games should, nay, must, be played into submission. Remember, it is not for yourself that you rescue the princess or slay the dragon, it is for the future.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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