Blog advice: Your most burning questions answered.
Internet fads usually burn out before written word can document
them, which is just the way Nature intended. I keep waiting for
this to happen with livejournals and weblogs. Weblogs (blogs) or
livejournals (ljs) may be unfamiliar to some people (old). A blog
is a lot like a diary, in that you write your most personal
thoughts and deepest secrets down in a daily, or semi daily
fashion. Except instead of hiding it under your bed, you post it on
a bathroom stall, which is a really appropriate metaphor for the
internet.
If you’re wondering why anyone would post their thoughts online
to be read by strangers, you’re not alone. In fact, we should have
tea some time to discuss the matter while scoffing at the dirty,
uneducated peasants. Of course, your part of the conversation would
be largely moot, as I already know the answer. So let’s skip that
whole uncomfortable meeting thing and go right to the scoffing.
These people are posting because they hope that somewhere,
someone can answer their problems and fix their lives. I can’t do
either. However, I can offer terrible advice and warn you not to
listen to me. That being said, I know everything and you should
listen to me.
The following are real situations, randomly selected from the
realm of livejournals, with grammar corrected, spelling fixed, and
content de-obscened. The names have been changed to protect the
innocent and keep the guilty from getting ideas.
“My boyfriend and I have been going out for over a year now. But
a couple of times, he’s disappeared for months at a stretch. He
said he had things to do, and I don’t want to seem needy, but this
bothers me. Do I confront him on it?”
No. Confrontation and discussions are never good things. What
you want to do here is repress. Whenever you feel angry or lonely,
find a spot on your skin and just pick at it until you’ve dug it
out. This is called a “nervous tick” because it doubles your odds
of finding and destroying ticks and other parasites. As for the
boyfriend, have you ever thought that he might have good reasons
that he can’t share with you? What if he’s half bear, and has to
hibernate? What if he’s a crime fighter and has to leave to fight
month-long crimes? What if he’s a half-bear crime fighter, who also
is a huge jerk?
“I have a car-less friend who is constantly guilting me into
driving him around. He ignores my hints that I could use some cash
for gas. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but I don’t want to
be his personal taxi. What do I do?”
The problem here is that a real friend would pay for gas without
being asked, and be there when you need him, and be made of magical
edible sunshine. Since people like this don’t exist, my advice is
to become a hermit, ’cause hey, claws.
“I always endeavor to be the nice guy with women, but they
persist in falling for “bad boys.” Alas, cruel world, that it
should spawn such irony of cruel and ironic natures. Why do those
who are the most foul capture that which is most fair?”
He probably actually asked her out. But since you know what she
likes, why not play to the crowd? Get some black leather,
sunglasses, and try not to pass out from the oppressive random heat
waves Colorado is known for. Remember, in some hypothetical
cultures, sweat stains were a sign of virility.
“My computer’s motherboard uses incompatible SD RAM, which is
more expensive and less utilitarian than other, more modern forms
of RAM. Should I get a new motherboard for my P4 1.8 gigahertz PC
or should I buy the SD RAM?”
I have no idea what that meant. Use fire until the problem goes
away.
So the next time you have a problem, be it romantic, financial,
or dietary, don’t post it in your livejournal. Cut out the
middleman – send it to me, at jkastner@simla.colostate.edu. “Don’t
Bog your Bog with Cheerless Fog, Log some Chat with John C
Kat.”
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