FAQ fo new students

Aug 182004
Authors: Johnathan Krastner

Many students new to the school have problems or questions, but aren’t sure where to turn. After all, you can’t ask who to ask since you don’t know who to ask. What you need is some kind of guide, or a F.A.Q. (frequently articulated queries). Hey! Look! Here’s one now!

Question One: “I’ve always had my own room and bathroom. How bad is it living with a dirty, smelly stranger?”

Answer One: Not so bad. The matching system makes more or less sure that everyone is paired with their comedic opposite. If you like getting up early to jog, the roommate will like staying up late to steal your shoes. If you like ice cream, the roommate will like warm cheese. This Odd-Couple syndrome fosters an atmosphere of fun, which in turn boosts morale, which leads to greater profits for shareholders.

Question Two: “The campus is big and I get lost easily. I’m afraid that if I wander into the wrong part of town, a gang will take my lunch money.”

Answer two: The campus is mostly safe and well policed, and the only real danger is that you’ll wander around too much and miss your classes. And nothing is quite so tragic as spending a day outside instead of in class. At any rate, no one wants your lunch money, as it’s probably only good for eating in the residence halls.

Question Three: “How bad are the cafeterias, then?”

Answer Three: Oh, the portions are terrific! There’s always plenty of food and the cafeterias keep reasonable hours. Lots and lots of food. Did I mention the quantity? Yep. That’s all you need. Quantity.

Question Four: “How’s the parking?”

Answer Four: Crowded. If you’re a freshman with a car, prepare to be loathed by all upperclassmen, who see you as a convenient scapegoat for the inevitable parking problems. More important to you, though, is that you acknowledge the might of your whacky overlords, the parking police on campus. They have a staff of resident superheroes, who use super speed and super sight to find and ticket cars. Occasionally, a psychic will ticket your car before it has even done anything illegal.

Question Five: “Is this format wearing thin yet?”

Answer Five: “What, the question-answer thing? No, it’s endearing. Besides, we’ve barely even begun to play with its conventions. You haven’t called me a name once yet.”

Question Six: “How hard are the classes, you twit?”

Answer Six: Thank you. And the classes vary from level to level and teacher to teacher. The upper levels are of course harder, and some teachers can make a lower level class unnecessarily complicated. Just go to class and ask what stuff would be best to study. Or, as an alternative, don’t go to class, don’t study, and be born a genius.

Question Seven: “College isn’t just about studying, is it?”

Answer Seven: Yes, it is. There is absolutely nothing in college that is not directly centered on academics. It is a world entirely devoid of parties or liquor. There is no lust, hormones, and all colors have been magically leeched from the world and stored in an old man. Although I have heard tell from a magazine called “Playboy” that CSU is among the top party schools in the nation. But what would Playboy know about partying?

If there are any further questions that weren’t addressed or adequately explained here, then your standards are too high. But, on the off chance someone agrees with you, there’s probably all kinds of people around campus who know stuff. Heck if I know who, but I’m sure they’re there. Just ask around.

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