Apr 142004
Authors: Gabriel Dance

So I’ve been walking around thinking about how ugly I am. I just

can’t get over the fact that I don’t look exactly the way I want to

look. Seriously, what was God thinking when he made me? But that’s

it, I’ve had enough. With the advent of plastic surgery and its

recent popularity amongst young adults, I’ve decided to take the

only logical next step: chop my body up so I can appear to have

vaguely the same features as my icons. Come, follow me, as I have

decided that I want a famous face, and nose, and uh … some other

famous stuff, too.

Let’s start with my worst feature-my ridiculous, entire face.

First, I will have a rhinoplasty (nose job to the M.D.-less). I no

longer want my normal, somewhat upturned nose. Instead I want the

world-famous nose of Owen Wilson. And forget about my standard

brown hair. I want the most famous hair of all. I want Trump hair.

After I receive my hair implants, or explants, I will constantly

walk around and show people it is my real hair just like Trump; it

should be grand.

As far as my eyebrows are concerned, they absolutely have to go.

They are not nearly famous enough. They are the CSU Idol of

eyebrows. I want truly famous brows. Therefore I have decided to go

with the most recognizable brows in history, those of the cave man.

And to match my brows, my stumpy chin will just not do. It is

seriously un-famous. Therefore I will replace it with the chin of

Jay Leno. I will be the funniest caveman to hit the late-night

scene since the State of the Union Address.

Now we move on to the body, which is obviously horrendous. I am

way too skinny. Every day I wake up and look to my wall at my

picture of Gov. Schwarzenegger, close my eyes, squeeze my pecs and

cry. His chest made him Mr. Universe; mine won’t even get me Mr.

Collegian. And my arms, well, I’m convinced that they are some kind

of bad joke. I want truly amazing arms. When I wave to my only

friend I want to wave with the hand, the wrist and the triceps.

Therefore I have decided to go ahead with the anti-lipo and get

Roseanne Bar arms (pre-stomach staple of course).

Last, but certainly not least, I need to do something about my

legs. They are setting my height at approximately 5’9″ right now

and that is a seriously not-famous height. I’ve decided to go with

the legs of none other than the beautiful Kylie Minogue. She is

uber-famous and 5’1.” Leg-shortening is supposed to be less painful

than lengthening, so I think I’m making the right decision. Plus I

heard that shaving your legs is in amongst guys nowadays; I knew

that everybody would eventually catch on to the trend.

I know that the pain will be unimaginable, but really, look at

the rewards! Instead of being uniquely me, I will be an unstoppable

combination of proven facial features. My self-esteem will

undoubtedly rise to new levels as people stare at me, wondering

what the hell my problem is. But I’ll just smile and flash my

secret weapon: my brand new Austin Powers dental veneers. Yeah


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