Apr 132004
Authors: Jonathan Kastner

Loads of people are trying to lose weight, which is ironic

considering that a number of people in other countries are trying

to gain weight. Lots of books have been written on the subject and

many terrible, unhealthy weight-loss ideas have been thrown upon

the unsuspecting, helpless public. Here are a few more!

The first, best diet plan is what is called the “tattoo” diet.

It’s meant to work in conjunction with another diet that bans

something – carbs, complex carbs, vitamin C, water, etc. The idea

is that every time you break down and eat a carrot or drink a glass

of water, you get a tattoo depicting your shameful indulgence.

Unfortunately, if the shame of being overweight isn’t a motivation

to lose weight, then the shame of a carrot tattoo on the forehead

probably won’t either. Branding irons can solve this motivational


The second, even more best diet is called the “unwashed dishes”

diet. The idea here is that soap is made of lye, lye is made of

fat, therefore washing your dishes adds unnecessary fat to your

meals. This may not be based on anything remotely scientific, but

that’s not really an issue for a fad diet. You can tell this diet

is starting to work when looking at your overused, under-washed

dishes makes you not want to eat ever again.

Of course a fad diet can only take you so far. To really succeed

with any diet you need a program of steady exercise. In fact, it

may not be necessary to change your diet at all if you just

exercise – as long as you maintain balance in what you eat, you

probably don’t need any quack-doctor weight-loss solutions.

Kidding! Here are some more fad diets, which are the only real


A third diet, so much magically more bester that knowledge of it

was sealed away in an ancient temple, guarded by a velvet rope that

hung so low, to limbo beneath it meant certain doom. I managed to

lift that rope and can offer you the following diet-technician


With this amazing diet, you can eat whatever you want and

exercise as little as you want, once you know the real, secret

cause of fat. Ready? Fat is caused by … flu shots! It makes

perfect sense if you huff a dry-erase marker and then think about

it for a bit. It explains why America, which has annual flu shots,

is also the fattest nation on earth. If you avoid flu shots and

catch influenza, I guarantee you will lose weight, sometimes all of


Almost as healthy for you are diets that ban entire food groups.

Applying the same dry-erase marker principle, these diets totally

make sense. To make this diet work, you’ll need a copy of the food

pyramid and a few darts. Hang the food pyramid on a wall, and throw

the darts at it. When the dart hits a food group, flip a coin.

Heads, you’re not allowed to eat that food group ever again. Tails,

you’re not allowed to eat anything else. This is a method as

precise as the professionals themselves use.

There is of course the well-founded and in no way nonsensical

belief that food is only good for you if prepared a certain way –

soups, juices, powders, vaporized, etc. The true secret to

preparing healthy food is freezing it. If the food can’t normally

be frozen, cookies or cereal for example, soak it in lukewarm water

for five to six hours, freeze, then eat. By munching on these

frozen treats, you can lose a lot of weight, especially in the

tooth area.

There are no shortcuts on the path to health. There are,

however, loads and loads of tourist traps. And really, isn’t

getting there half the fun?

Jonathan is a not a diet expert and students should not take his

advice about dieting. The Collegian recommends students visit a

doctor before starting any diet.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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