Somebody Hung Me

Apr 072004
Authors: Gabriel Dance

So I went through a couple different approaches when deciding

how to write a column on William Hung. You know, the dude who sang

Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs” on “American Idol” tryouts? The absolute

tool – see him in your head? Yeah, that one.

I had caught clips of him performing near the time it happened.

I didn’t care. Anyone on “American Idol” obviously has nothing in

common with me. Then I remembered reading a recent Rolling Stone

that carried a story about him, though I couldn’t really remember

what it said. Also I am aware he intends to release an album of his

own work including hit covers such as “Rocket Man” and “I Believe I

Can Fly.” Dear God!

So I made the decision to step out of my usually clown-friendly

sneakers, and into my

seriously-this-guy-is-too-goofy-not-to-make-fun-of boots. I was

going to mock the kind of person who would put themselves out there

being the untalented singer he proved to be. I would also take a

couple humorous personal jabs at the man’s character. It was to be

a masterpiece.

Then I read the article in Rolling Stone and saw it was not to

be. Hung is a 21-year-old virgin at the University of California at

Berkeley who admits he’s not famous for the right reasons, doesn’t

swear and plays Pokemon trading cards. Only the Vancouver Canuck’s

Todd Bertuzzi would take pot-shots at such an easy target. Another

angle would have to be found.

So then I decided to make fun of the fact that Americans are

supporting this guy. I mean, we’re willing to put this guy on shows

like Entertainment Tonight and Dateline (relax dudes, I just threw

ET in there to appeal to my female readership). Apparently it’s

also worth it for this guy to make an album so that means people

are willing to buy this album. So by some mathematical equation

that makes us bigger tools than Hung, I refuse to be grouped in any

category more toolish than that man. Refuse. And anyways, Americans

are obviously not afraid to support idiots.

Still another angle would have to be discovered. More research

was to be done. I would have to “google” William Hung – nasty.

Yet this produced the angle that would come to appease both

previous angles. It would fuse my ability to mock both “Hung

Himself” as well as the American public: (the

nickname was really taken direct from the “About Me” section of the

Web site).

This is easily one of the most ridiculous Web sites I have ever

visited. Get this. His banner reads “William Hung – A Real American

Idol!” With subhead “ – The Official Web site to

William Hung a.k.a. Hong Kong Ricky Martin.” Hong Kong Ricky

Martin-aaaaahahahahaha. Oh there’s more though.

The fan mail section is great. It’s completely impossible to

tell the psychos who actually love this dude apart from the people

who are discreetly mocking him. (Discreetly mocking is obviously

for the birds) And if that’s not enough, check out the “Marry Me,

Will!” section. Whoa, seriously girls, get a grip. Get. A.


It was perfect. The American public had put together an

absolutely ridiculous shrine to an absolutely ridiculous character.

And the fusion,, is the ambrosia to my starving

wit. At times it is almost overwhelming the entertainment I get

while making fun of one and realizing at the same time I am also

making fun of the other – and ultimately myself – snap!

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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