As the clock ticks down and the anticipation builds up towards
that most notorious and mind-numbingly memorable week of weeks, a
cold realization creeps into my psyche: I’m not going anywhere.
Am I bummed about being too fiscally challenged as to take part
in what has become a right of passage for the American college
student? A little bit, but only a little because I have taken part
in this hedonist ritual before and was lucky to survive it.
The tales are true. A successfully, planned venture should and
will include some of the most obscene, scary, dangerous, luscious
and fun times you will ever have. Ever.
So while all of you meticulous travelers iron your suitcases and
watch your procrastinating roommates freebase either steroids or
diet pills in a last ditch effort to look good on the beach, here
are some tried and true tips to help make the most fun you’ll never
remember having slightly more safe and enjoyable:
Take travelers checks! If you are leaving the U.S. at least 90
percent your money should be in this form. The checks are available
at your bank, they protect against theft and can be replaced if
lost. The checks can be turned into currency one at a time as
needed at your hotel, providing all the convenience of an ATM card
without the risk of its loss ruining your trip.
Use the safe-deposit box at the hotel! This should be the only
place you keep your passport/ID and your travelers checks, not your
shoe or your toiletries kit. You can have access to it 24 hours a
day, and it really is safe. If you find yourself staying at La
Rancha Cucaracha (The Roach Ranch), that should be all the more
reason to store valuables there. The only catch is also what makes
the safe deposit box safe: you possess the only key – so don’t lose
Tip the maid!
Don’t take more money out with you at night than you will need.
If there is even the most miniscule possibility you might engage
in an ungentlemanly act, pack American condoms and take them out
with you every night. You too, Ladies. What was a burning desire on
the beach one night can devolve into a burning sensation stateside.
And just because that stranger may be the most gorgeous specimen
you’ve ever commingled with doesn’t mean they’re any cleaner than
the restrooms at the Aggie.
Watch out for sexual activity in the foam. It may seem so right
at the time, but that foam is actually a type of soap which with a
little help can result to dryness, itching and peeling. Funny,
unless it happens to you.
Don’t be a drug snob and try to smuggle your own drugs over the
border. Yeah, your drugs may be better than anything you’ll find in
Mexico, but Mexican Federal Law allows the authorities to detain
people suspected of a crime up to one year without trial. While
they may not be as good as your homegrown stashes, the drugs are
available and people will be lining up to sell them to you.
Most pills should not be ingested with any alcohol, much less
with massive amounts of alcohol. Painkillers are readily available
in most foreign countries, but when they are combined with booze
and sleeping your lungs can forget to breathe sometimes. That is
If for some awful reason you feel compelled to use ecstasy, be
careful. Some look-alike drugs like 2-CB are just more visually
psychoactive than ecstasy. Other look-alikes like PMA and DMX are
less psychoactive yet can cause heat stroke in small doses and
death to people who take more because it “feels weak.”
Rock and Roll:
Keep track of your friends. Use film if possible. Seriously,
though, friends are made and lost during these adventures because
of keen observations and/or total oblivion to the plight of a
person in need of help.
Do not bungee jump, parasail, dive into the hotel pool after
drinking all day or anything else which could render you
considerably taller or shorter in the event of an accident.
The time has almost arrived. Pack light, pack smart and don’t
drink too much on the plane.
As for me, the closest I’ll be getting to some hot Spring Break
destination this year will be a the latest installment of “Girls
Gone Wild.” You go girls.
Joe is a senior majoring in history. The Collegian and Joe
wishes everyone a safe spring break.