Mar 102004
Authors: Joe Marshall

As the clock ticks down and the anticipation builds up towards

that most notorious and mind-numbingly memorable week of weeks, a

cold realization creeps into my psyche: I’m not going anywhere.

Am I bummed about being too fiscally challenged as to take part

in what has become a right of passage for the American college

student? A little bit, but only a little because I have taken part

in this hedonist ritual before and was lucky to survive it.

The tales are true. A successfully, planned venture should and

will include some of the most obscene, scary, dangerous, luscious

and fun times you will ever have. Ever.

So while all of you meticulous travelers iron your suitcases and

watch your procrastinating roommates freebase either steroids or

diet pills in a last ditch effort to look good on the beach, here

are some tried and true tips to help make the most fun you’ll never

remember having slightly more safe and enjoyable:


Take travelers checks! If you are leaving the U.S. at least 90

percent your money should be in this form. The checks are available

at your bank, they protect against theft and can be replaced if

lost. The checks can be turned into currency one at a time as

needed at your hotel, providing all the convenience of an ATM card

without the risk of its loss ruining your trip.

Use the safe-deposit box at the hotel! This should be the only

place you keep your passport/ID and your travelers checks, not your

shoe or your toiletries kit. You can have access to it 24 hours a

day, and it really is safe. If you find yourself staying at La

Rancha Cucaracha (The Roach Ranch), that should be all the more

reason to store valuables there. The only catch is also what makes

the safe deposit box safe: you possess the only key – so don’t lose


Tip the maid!

Don’t take more money out with you at night than you will need.




If there is even the most miniscule possibility you might engage

in an ungentlemanly act, pack American condoms and take them out

with you every night. You too, Ladies. What was a burning desire on

the beach one night can devolve into a burning sensation stateside.

And just because that stranger may be the most gorgeous specimen

you’ve ever commingled with doesn’t mean they’re any cleaner than

the restrooms at the Aggie.

Watch out for sexual activity in the foam. It may seem so right

at the time, but that foam is actually a type of soap which with a

little help can result to dryness, itching and peeling. Funny,

unless it happens to you.



Don’t be a drug snob and try to smuggle your own drugs over the

border. Yeah, your drugs may be better than anything you’ll find in

Mexico, but Mexican Federal Law allows the authorities to detain

people suspected of a crime up to one year without trial. While

they may not be as good as your homegrown stashes, the drugs are

available and people will be lining up to sell them to you.

Most pills should not be ingested with any alcohol, much less

with massive amounts of alcohol. Painkillers are readily available

in most foreign countries, but when they are combined with booze

and sleeping your lungs can forget to breathe sometimes. That is


If for some awful reason you feel compelled to use ecstasy, be

careful. Some look-alike drugs like 2-CB are just more visually

psychoactive than ecstasy. Other look-alikes like PMA and DMX are

less psychoactive yet can cause heat stroke in small doses and

death to people who take more because it “feels weak.”

Rock and Roll:

Keep track of your friends. Use film if possible. Seriously,

though, friends are made and lost during these adventures because

of keen observations and/or total oblivion to the plight of a

person in need of help.

Do not bungee jump, parasail, dive into the hotel pool after

drinking all day or anything else which could render you

considerably taller or shorter in the event of an accident.

The time has almost arrived. Pack light, pack smart and don’t

drink too much on the plane.

As for me, the closest I’ll be getting to some hot Spring Break

destination this year will be a the latest installment of “Girls

Gone Wild.” You go girls.

Joe is a senior majoring in history. The Collegian and Joe

wishes everyone a safe spring break.



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