It would feel odd to write about Valentine’s Day more than a
week before, but the stores don’t seem to have a problem putting
candied hearts on shelves almost a full month before so
technically, I’m late. With the store’s obsession with long holiday
periods, it’s a wonder they haven’t picked up on Chanukah. But I
Since inception it’s been a day for couples and happiness and
love and puppies and oppression. That’s right, oppression. The
minority of happy couples oppressing the majority of unhappy
couples and singles, with chains of love and whips of chocolates.
While Valentine’s Day will always be the crowning glory of couples,
there are ways to be a single and not end up choking on your own
For some reason Valentine’s Day gives couples extra license for
PDA, or personal digital assistant or more accurately, public
displays of affection. Like secondhand smoke or guns, these public
displays are thoughtless ways to endanger everyone’s health and
happiness. As a single in a public place, you’re likely to
encounter this, and you will need to be prepared.
Of course, you could just not look, but that’s accepting your
chains. The best legal option to get rid of the PDA is through
passive resistance and a bag of chips. Get as close as you can
without actually touching the couple and loudly crunch chips. It’s
best if you look around as if lost between chips, to convey an aura
of innocence. Occasionally sneeze, spraying chip particles as close
as you dare to the PDA. This plan is almost a surefire kill for a
PDA, and it has the added bonus of getting to eat chips.
But you can encounter PDA on even a normal day. The real danger
of Valentine’s is the persistent decorations hanging off every wall
and dangling from every ceiling, like giant pink spiders of doom.
As inanimate objects, they’re immune to your chip-based attacks, so
you’ll need something new. Fire comes to mind, but again that pesky
“legal” word raises its ugly head.
What you need is to fight fire with fire, without actually using
fire. The key to fighting annoying decorations is to put up your
own decorations. Make them the essence of saccharine, and sweet
enough to make Cupid himself explode in a bloody cloud of pink
smoke. Kittens and baby seals hugging and dancing with rainbow
unicorns would be a start, but to really give your custom
decorations that extra kick, you should use glitter. Everything
should be coated liberally with about a pound of pink and red
glitter, so that people nearby would have glitter clouds migrating
towards them from static.
A perpetual glitter fog should take care of any of the problems
this annual menace presents. But all great insurgences are
pre-emptive, meaning you should be the punk-er, not the punk-ee.
And here you can borrow another great Valentine’s tradition, the
Valentine’s card. Traditionally, an outlet of love and lust. For
you, a strike at the heart, pardon the pun, of V-day, with awful,
poetic Valentine’s cards. Here’s a sample of what I’m talking
Love is great, love is grand,
I’d like to hold your soft smooth hand,
While you, for love, do a keg stand.
This Valentine’s, maybe it won’t have to be the Day of the
Couples after all. Maybe this Valentine’s can be a day of
liberation and joy. If not, just remember this one most important
piece of advice – the day after Valentine’s, chocolate is
Johnathan is a sophomore studying English. His column runs every