Worthless Gifts

Dec 102003
Authors: Gabriel Dance

As Christmas time comes around again this year I am reminded of

everything great that comes along with it: time with family, time

away from school and possibly scoring something you really need as

a gift.

Whether it is a new snowboard, guitar or whatever you’re looking

forward to there’s no better feeling than getting it on Christmas

day. But along with the yin, we of course have the yang.

And with the great gifts there’s always the possibility of

getting those gifts that really don’t cut it. Getting any gift is

great, but these next few gifts just don’t quite fit the bill.

Christmas Sweater

Ok, I’m really not sure what’s with the vicious downward cycle

that is Christmas sweater giving but it needs to be controlled.

It is only necessary to have one (one) Christmas sweater at any

given time in your life. I, like almost everybody else, received

this sweater at least four years ago.

The real wild thing is that it’s always the same person

(grandmother, uncle, etc.) buying the sweaters as gifts. Do they

think that the other one has worn out from the two times you wore

it last holiday season? Hmmmm, I have no idea.


What possesses people to give gifts such as nail clippers,

toothbrushes and razor blades? Yes, these are necessities, but

seriously I can, and do, buy these things for myself.

In fact I started buying all of these things for myself when I

began college.

If you still depend on your family or friends to buy you

toiletries than you should take a step back and ask yourself, “Am I

planning on having my mom buy my toothbrush after I graduate

college?” If you answer “yes” then please skip to the end of the

story and repeat 12th grade.

Gag gifts-

Funny noses, sex gag gifts and cans of worms should all stay on

the shelves this winter. Really, a gag gift is only cool for the

duration of the gag.

This is generally less than or equal to ten minutes.

After the ten minutes, the gift will either sit on a dusty shelf

somewhere in your closet or get lost by the end of the party. Save

your $11.50 and buy us a twelve pack. It will last longer.

$2 Bills-

Argh. What really chaps me about this gift is it’s so close to

being great. It’s like having a Susan B. Anthony coin. It’s money,

but not really. It’s supposed to be rare and some sort of low-level

collector’s item. When I was a little kid I thought getting the

bills were great.

I saved up something like $22 worth of $2 dollar bills when I

was a young and under some kind of misunderstanding that some day

these bills would appreciate. Who ever told me that when I was a

little kid should be given a serious reality check.

When I am 100-years-old, my original $22 will be worth what?

$23.35? But the worst thing is I still cannot bring myself to spend

even one of those bills.

Whether it be time away, time with loved ones or something

material it would be great if we could all get what we needed this


But do yourself and everybody else a favor and scratch the above

gifts off your list.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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