Nov 112003
Authors: Jonathan Kastner

With the leaves turning funny colors, dying and collecting in

huge rotting piles on the ground, one’s thoughts can’t help but

turn to romance. It’s an ancient art, a dance, a monstrous vortex

of money from which no living thing can escape unscathed. Until

now. For with this guide, you can skirt as close as you like to the

black, all-consuming void that is “love” and live to cry about


I don’t have enough space to take care of everything related to

love, such as lying, in this one itsy bitsy article, but I can help

out the traditional initiators of El Love, the men. For men, the

greatest problem in front of them is that women come from a

multilingual society. English is a second language to them. Their

primary language has never been decoded as it is much too complex

and tiring to be solved by male scientists, and female scientists

are in on the mystery, so no help there.

But good news! I’m stupid enough to think I understand it! And

I’m willing to help! Just give me the controls, and soon you’ll be

sailing through the tunnel on love, hit the iceberg of commitment

and sink in the sea of monogamy.

First off – some basic language lessons. The trick about

Women-speak, which I will be calling Wookie from here on, is that

it sounds like English. But don’t be taken in by the illusion –

Wookie is as far from English as its namesake.

The other trick to Wookie is that there’s no word-to-word

translation. Women speak in code phrases, passed down from daughter

to daughter. These phrases of Wookie are hidden inside regular

English like a crazed squirrel burying nuts in the spring.

We’re all familiar with phrases of war, such as, “Does this make

my butt look big?” and “Were you looking at her?” The trick to

these is to distract her before she has a chance to make the jump

from “slightly upset” to “launching missiles.” To do this, say

something much, much worse than the thing she’s accusing you of.

Take the “butt too big” question, for example. Here, you could say,

“Don’t worry, it’s almost nonexistent, at least compared to your

huge honking nose.” She’ll appreciate your clever tact and laugh

and laugh. Women love a sense of humor.

But Wookie has some tricks that aren’t so easily solved. This is

a simple part of evolution. Any male smart enough to solve even

part of the mystery of Wookie would have to be pretty suave, like

Harrison Ford.

No matter how charming schnapps makes you feel, it can’t compare

to these three magic Wookie words – “You have nice hair.” Four

words. Close enough.

The point is women consider their hair a source of pride and

self-confidence. It’s much better to mention this than any other

physical traits you may be apt to notice, and a nice, safe,

non-lawsuitable outlet for your flirting tendencies. It’s also the

appropriate answer to many Wookie questions. “What are you thinking

about?” You have nice hair. “Did you forget our anniversary?” You

have nice hair. “Do you smell smoke?” You have nice hair.

So Wookie is a language that’s a lot harder than some military

codes. And here is an excellent argument for allowing women into

the Armed Forces.

This article is coming to a close, but I have just enough space

to translate all of guy-speak for the ladies. Everything we say

means something vulgar. Continue rolling your eyes at us.

Jonathan is a sophomore and studying English. And yes, ladies,

he is still single.




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