Call in the hounds, we’re looking for head

Tell everyone you know. Put everything on hold. Call in the

choppers. Bring in the hounds. We’ve got a massive search to

launch.

What, you haven’t heard?! What have you been doing, watching

another Matrix movie?

Something’s been stolen from the Moby Pool. And things keep

getting thieved. It’s just not right, and we need to stop the

perpetrator immediately.

What’s happened? Let me break it down for you:

Incident No. 1 – The saga began about a month ago, when swimming

coach John Mattos presented his team with a specially crafted green

and gold wooden ram’s head. It’s estimated to be about three feet

in diameter and weigh more than 50 pounds. As swimmer Lissa Fischer

put it, “It’s cool as s##t.”

Mattos placed it nearly 15 feet high on a wall inside the Moby

Pool area on a Tuesday morning. By the following Wednesday

afternoon, it was gone. Unless Matt Nelson stood on the shoulders

of Stuart Creason (the two 7-footers of the men’s basketball), the

thief probably used a ladder, and he/she probably had help.

When searching for the head (and I know you will), look for one

that could be a little banged up. It appears as if the culprits

dropped the head on their way out, as a wood chip was found in the

hallway outside the pool.

Incident No. 2 – Now here’s where it gets serious. A couple

weeks after the head theft, a Colorado State swimming and diving

banner went missing. This is how the team identifies itself on the

road.

And, two office chairs the coaches use were gone. Come on,

folks. We’re talking about a man’s lumbar support here!

Incident No. 3 – Now this is just scary. It’s as if someone is

mocking the CSU swim team.

Last weekend, after CSU drowned CU in the Colorado dual meet,

another ram’s head was taken. It’s a miniature version of the first

one and was last seen in the Rams’ locker room. They’re not blaming

anyone, but it was there before the Buffs showed up and gone after

they left.

Now no one knows for sure if the three incidents are related,

but the theft of the large ram’s head alone is a felony, as the

sculpture cost more than $500. The swimmers already filed a police

report. They’re pissed.

“That (ram’s head) is the coolest thing we’ve gotten since I’ve

been here,” Fischer said. “And someone takes it.”

Some people’s audacity, I swear.

But if you ask me, it could be a sign of things to come. We all

know how big the announcement of women’s water polo becoming CSU’s

16th varsity sport was here, but maybe it made more waves at rival

schools.

Mattos will be the coach of the new team, of which a majority

will be athletes from the swim team. Could San Diego State have

gotten word about not being the only Mountain West school to offer

women’s water polo and is now a little peeved?

You’ve heard of rival schools stealing each other’s mascots

before, haven’t you? OK, so it mostly happens with football, and

mostly in high school. But we’re new to this water polo thing.

Maybe the folks in San Diego take it as seriously as we take beer

brewing.

So if you know anything about any one of the incidents, please,

I urge you, contact the proper authorities. We can’t let this get

any more out of hand than it already has.

The team told me what the reward could be. All I’ll say is that

unless you like boys in swimsuits, return the head at once.

Or at least give it to me.