Food Horror stories
We’ve all heard the stories, and we’ve all seen the pictures.
Food comes in three forms: good, bad and utterly revolting.
Urban legends fascinate me, but personal legends are the most
fun. My up-close encounters with deadly dinners have been rather
unpleasant and for your reading pleasure I bring you Daniel’s
Deadly Delicacies of Doom.
The gas station Boner
My rude encounters with processed meats began at an early age.
As an innocent five-year-old, I went to a convenience store and
purchased a hot dog. Under normal circumstances, I would consider
this a bad judgment call, but being as I was a young lad, and had
nothing to lose, nothing looked better than a quarter pound meat
stick slapped between a bun with some spicy mustard; just like that
guy on TV at the baseball game! So anyway, I get the dog; I bite
the dog. I find the bone. After the first bite, my teeth pulled off
one inch of meat to reveal what looked to be a finger bone wrapped
inside the meaty package of my lunch. Somewhat baffled, I spat out
the “meat” and studied the remainder of the dog. Always being a
curious boy, I pulled the protruding object from the hotdog and
revealed the remaining two inches of bone that had been hidden
inside the hotdog. I thought it was funny; the clerk thought it was
rather gross and retired to the restroom. She gave me a free drink
and I was on my way.
The fast-food Special
A good friend of mine has related to me this story of a fast
food experience. His name has been slightly altered to protect his
integrity and prevent any threats against his highly esteemed moral
character. Elmer was driving home from California one late evening
and pulled into fast-food restaurant. Ordering a roast beef
sandwich at the drive through, he pulled into a parking spot and
cracked the shiny foil on his long-delayed dinner. Elmer heaved a
sigh of relief after a long drive and bit into the sandwich,
finding within one layer of meat, some squeeze-cheese, two pieces
of bread, and a half-cup of slimy sludge. Every one’s seen roast
beef before, and every one knows that sticky black oil on the
outside of the meat. Elmer came in close contact with multiple
tablespoons of concentrated black oil slime. Eyes bulging and nose
burning, Elmer quickly evacuated the vehicle and decorated the
pavement.
Chicken Bomb
According to rumor, which we all know is the most accurate
information source; a very virulent and pleasantly protuberant
bulbous cyst was found in a chicken patty sandwich at a restaurant
chain. Upon biting into the patty, the poor consumers’ teeth met a
hard obstruction. Instead of stopping to see what was inside her
sandwich, the young lass bit harder, completely popping a
puss-filled ping-pong-ball-sized growth, sending preserving fluids,
watery blood, and chicken fry juice all over her face and blouse.
It is important to note here that the girl also downed a good
amount of this liquid while reacting to the matter. Much sputtering
and choking followed the incident, which to this day has been
labeled “Chicken Bomb.”
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