Food Horror stories

We’ve all heard the stories, and we’ve all seen the pictures.

Food comes in three forms: good, bad and utterly revolting.

Urban legends fascinate me, but personal legends are the most

fun. My up-close encounters with deadly dinners have been rather

unpleasant and for your reading pleasure I bring you Daniel’s

Deadly Delicacies of Doom.

The gas station Boner

My rude encounters with processed meats began at an early age.

As an innocent five-year-old, I went to a convenience store and

purchased a hot dog. Under normal circumstances, I would consider

this a bad judgment call, but being as I was a young lad, and had

nothing to lose, nothing looked better than a quarter pound meat

stick slapped between a bun with some spicy mustard; just like that

guy on TV at the baseball game! So anyway, I get the dog; I bite

the dog. I find the bone. After the first bite, my teeth pulled off

one inch of meat to reveal what looked to be a finger bone wrapped

inside the meaty package of my lunch. Somewhat baffled, I spat out

the “meat” and studied the remainder of the dog. Always being a

curious boy, I pulled the protruding object from the hotdog and

revealed the remaining two inches of bone that had been hidden

inside the hotdog. I thought it was funny; the clerk thought it was

rather gross and retired to the restroom. She gave me a free drink

and I was on my way.

The fast-food Special

A good friend of mine has related to me this story of a fast

food experience. His name has been slightly altered to protect his

integrity and prevent any threats against his highly esteemed moral

character. Elmer was driving home from California one late evening

and pulled into fast-food restaurant. Ordering a roast beef

sandwich at the drive through, he pulled into a parking spot and

cracked the shiny foil on his long-delayed dinner. Elmer heaved a

sigh of relief after a long drive and bit into the sandwich,

finding within one layer of meat, some squeeze-cheese, two pieces

of bread, and a half-cup of slimy sludge. Every one’s seen roast

beef before, and every one knows that sticky black oil on the

outside of the meat. Elmer came in close contact with multiple

tablespoons of concentrated black oil slime. Eyes bulging and nose

burning, Elmer quickly evacuated the vehicle and decorated the

pavement.

Chicken Bomb

According to rumor, which we all know is the most accurate

information source; a very virulent and pleasantly protuberant

bulbous cyst was found in a chicken patty sandwich at a restaurant

chain. Upon biting into the patty, the poor consumers’ teeth met a

hard obstruction. Instead of stopping to see what was inside her

sandwich, the young lass bit harder, completely popping a

puss-filled ping-pong-ball-sized growth, sending preserving fluids,

watery blood, and chicken fry juice all over her face and blouse.

It is important to note here that the girl also downed a good

amount of this liquid while reacting to the matter. Much sputtering

and choking followed the incident, which to this day has been

labeled “Chicken Bomb.”