Oct 222003
Authors: Chris Hess

There was a time in my life when I firmly believed I had the

female race figured out. I knew what they thought, I knew what they

wanted…then I came to college. College is a time when many things

are learned, such as you don’t know what the hell you are talking

about and you aren’t as cool as you think you are.

Three years later, I have determined that I will never, ever

fully comprehend what goes through a woman’s mind. I mean, God

bless all 12,838 of you beautiful young ladies for trying to help

guys like me out, but new questions pop into my mind every day.

As of late, I have been struggling with one question in

particular. While sitting on campus one day, I became increasingly

interested in the shoes people were wearing. More specifically, the

shoes some of the girls were wearing.

While most girls went with the standard running shoe or

ever-popular flip-flop, others wore shoes that were simply mind

bending. Multiple scientific laws and theories that I’m not smart

enough to even know about would have to be denied in order for a

foot to fit into some of them. Others had heels that were so skinny

and so tall that they could impale a small child. What’s more, the

looks on the girls’ faces and the difficulty with which they walked

were enough to communicate the fact that the shoes were not the

least bit comfortable or practical enough to be wearing on


Why, then, do girls where uncomfortable shoes? After many

sleepless nights and an unhealthy obsession with women’s shoes that

resulted in my being banished for life from Dillard’s, I decided to

go to the source, presenting any girl that would listen with my


I received an array of responses. The overall consensus seemed

to be that it doesn’t matter if a pair of shoes is uncomfortable,

as long as they are cute. It doesn’t matter if they make your feet

bleed, as long as they match with an $850 dress. As my roommate’s

girlfriend put it, “pain is beauty.”

Personally I think a girl is hot when she wears Pumas. But the

fact of the matter is that most guys don’t care what shoes a girl

is wearing. Truth be told, a girl’s feet are not the first thing a

guy looks at. If I had a dime for every time I heard, “Ah snap! Did

you see the feet on that girl, they were off the hizzy,” I’d be

broke. But apparently, it doesn’t matter what guys think, some

girls are simply trying to impress other girls.

Yes gentleman, you read that correctly. At first, I too was

taken aback. From the day I was born, I thought that some girls

dressed nice in order to attract the attention of men. But, I guess

I was wrong. Girls seem to be in competition with each other to see

who can look the cutest, even if it means making their feet bleed.

Even if it means slipping and falling in their stiletto-heeled

boots on the freshly waxed student center floor, they will continue

to strive for the title of the cutest girl, and it doesn’t matter

what men think.

So, some women are simply dressed to impress other women; yet

another element of the female race that I will never be able to

grasp. But, if pain is beauty, then it’s time for me to invest in a

nice pair of black leather pants. See you at Dillard’s.








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