Dec 032002
 
Authors: Ken Hamner

I had a friend who once put up a Web site listing everything he hated. It was a very long list. While some might call this unhealthy, I sure it had some measure of therapeutic effect. This past Thanksgiving we all gave thanks to what is wonderful in our lives and now we are in the wondrous season of joy and giving. But what about the things we are not thankful about? Shouldn’t we have a way to express these feeling, a “Thanks But No Thanks-Giving” day? I think we should, and in this spirit, I am starting the first annual List Of Hate Day. Here it goes.

I hate that the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade has degenerated into an unholy capitalistic fluff festival. I hate the day after Thanksgiving shopping extravaganza. I hate the concept of Buy Nothing Day – what if I’m hungry? I hate McDonald’s for making our nation’s children fat. I hate parents who sue McDonald’s for making their children fat.

I hate Republicans. I hate Democrats. I hate those wussy Third Party guys too. I hate the slime you get on two-day old donuts. I hate skim milk. I hate Microsoft and I’m not fond of Macintosh apples or computers.

I hate that red fungus and/or dirt you get from evaporated Fort Collins water. I hate Steven Segall. I love Cheetos but I hate that orange artificial flavor powder that sticks to my fingers afterwards. I hate those “Jared” jewelry store commercials. I hate those “Jared” Subway commercials.

I hate the uselessness of the penny and I abhor the ridiculous size of the nickel. I hate the new smoking laws passed in Fort Collins. I hate the way most people in this nation pronounce, “Tootsie Roll.” I hate the horrendous CGI effects in both Harry Potter movies. Of all the pins on a bowling lane, I hate the 10 pin the most.

I hate that CSU forgot to replace the bowling alley destroyed during the famous flood. I hate out of tune oboes. I hate that it’s not politically correct to say, “hobo.” I hate political correctness.

I hate the rent-a-cops at the Old Town parking structure. I hate it when little bits of a chocolate chip cookie sticks to the back of my throat. I hate the new truck designs out there, particularly those in that new “fashionable,” sickly yellow.

I hate all the security crap you have to peel off of new CDs. I hate the banning of Napster, so that I have to buy new CDs.

I hate warm weather. I hate cold weather. I hate all TV meteorologists except for Fox 31’s Bob Goosman. I hate the smell of Greeley. I hate waiting in a line for 20 minutes, just to be told to move to another line. I hate lipids. I hate that you aren’t allowed to climb buildings on campus. I hate the fact there are only Pepsi vending machines on campus, and half the time they are sold out. I hate fortune cookies without fortunes. I hate Qwest.

I hate all those pop-up windows you get while surfing the Internet. I hate attempting to park anywhere at CSU in the mornings. I hate that there is no “Malaria Awareness” or “Tuberculosis Awareness” day. I hate bumper stickers that say, “Mean people suck.” I hate I-25 traffic. I hate I-70 traffic. I hate having to choose between “paper or plastic” – they both suck.

I hate the complete lack of praise and acclaim that Martin Lawrence’s movie, “Black Knight,” received. I hate the public’s irrational perceptions on genetically modified foods. I hate Morgan Library for more reasons than I can possibly enumerate in a newspaper column. I hate the Olsen twins.

I hate that I’ve run out of space and am unable to list more things I hate. Have a nice day.

Ken Hamner does not hate comments. You may e-mail them to gnilwob2@lamar.colsotate.edu.

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