So let me get this straight: Football was off this week, volleyball won two ho-hum matches with New Mexico and Air Force and they still haven’t voted in fencing as a varsity sport? Well, poop. Guess that means it’s time to spout off some random thoughts. What am I supposed to do actually do work and find a column topic?
-If I were a terrorist negotiator, I’d be the guy who says things like, “That’ll never work … didn’t you see ‘Speed’?”
-I think it’s gotten to the point where I would kill someone for their “A” parking pass.
-So university planners were sitting around one night and thinking to themselves: “Hmm … parking is already the No. 1 problem on campus. Howz about we plow up 200 spots in the student center lot and put up a bus depot!” You can’t tell me whiskey wasn’t involved in that decision.
-I’m convinced salad and spaghetti were invented by a woman who wanted to make men look like idiots. I can’t eat either without looking like some sort of caveman.
-Does anyone else have that one friend who sends you nothing but annoying “Floppy the Friendship Toad” or “Little Agatha is suffering from a sprained ankle” forwards two months after you’ve already gotten them? In the words of Alex Trebek on SNL’s Celebrity Jeopardy, “I know what you’re trying to do, just stop.”
-What is it about prison that suddenly makes a man gay? The same men who probably told tasteless gay jokes months earlier suddenly say, “Welp, no girls? Guess I’ll find me some man love!”
-There is no better gift on the planet than that of an unexpected backrub.
-See that new Christina Aguilera video “Dirrty”? Apparently record execs didn’t like the alternate titles: “Slutty,” “Skankky,” and “Whorry.” Sounds like three of the magical syphilis dwarfs.
-Speaking of, reason No. 273 I’m never having daughters: The Real World. ‘Nuff said.
-And what’s with this whole misspelling video titles thing? Hot in Herre? Dirrty? I’m A Slave 4 U? When did being a grammatical retard suddenly come back into vogue? What is this, third grade? They say TV violence is what’s ruining America. I say it’s kids getting their grammar lessons from
-Is there a more underrated comedic performance of our era than Seth Green as Kenny Fisher in “Can’t Hardly Wait”? “It’s natchyo fault you liked the flava.”
-Say any word slowly more than 10 times in a row and you’ll feel like you’ve just sniffed an entire vat of Elmer’s.
-How much more depressing can it get than being an unknown opening act for a major artist’s concert? This is like pouring all your love and passion into a “please be mine” speech only to have the girl get up for nachos.
-To anyone driving a car I’m riding in: Try to pull that Chevy commercial “stop every five seconds so I can’t drink my coffee” bull@*#$, and you’re gonna get a lap full of java.
-When you think about it, with one swift punch, George McFly effectively made Biff Tannen his bitch for life.
-Did Channel 20 sign a deal to be the exclusive home of personal injury attorney commercials? How about a show with wrestling between Bryan “Bulldog” Moore and Frank D. Azar where the loser gets no compensatory damages? This could work.
-Celebrity sightings that freaked me out: “Webster” as a thirty-something “hip-hop mogul in the making,” David Silver’s dad as a billiards commentator on ESPN, and, last but not least, Buddy from “Charles in Charge” as, yes, Bibleman. Can’t describe the comedy here. Just don’t think I’d do it justice.
-What the hell happened to Catherine Zeta-Jones? From “Traffic” to ads for T-Mobile? Is she taking Teri Hatcher’s career success seminars? I know she’s got Michael Douglas as her sugar daddy now, but I haven’t seen a dive like that since Club Synergy in East LoDo. Am I the only one who thinks about stuff like this?