Sep 172002
Authors: Ken Hamner

Recently, in Naples, Fla., sea turtle monitor and marine biologist Mary Toro found a developed, baby turtle with two heads. Although the creature was released into the Gulf of Mexico, one thing was certain during its brief stay in Florida – this baby turtle, having two wee turtle brains, had to have been the smartest creature to inhabit the peninsula (or, as Homer Simpson put it, “America’s wang”) in decades.

Florida is, of course, famous by the little voting fiasco of Christmas past where our pal, G.W., may or may not have actually been elected president. Apparently they still haven’t learned their lesson, as evidenced by the recent Democratic gubernatorial primaries where delayed poll openings and technical glitches in Miami-Dade and Broward counties contributed to the narrow, controversial victory of Bill McBride over Janet Reno. Morons.

All right, that’s not fair. Although it’s easy to label all residents of Florida as “Flor-idiots,” it’s an unjust stereotype. There are probably many intelligent Floridians out there. It’s too bad they seem to be the silent minority.

Take the recent terrorism scare where three Islamic men were taken into custody on Georgia woman Eunice Stone’s word that the men were planning to make our most recent Friday the 13th very unlucky with a few explosives. Stone “overheard” these men saying things like, “[people] were sad on 9/11, wait until 9/13.” She decided it was her duty to report these men, medical students heading to Larkin Community Hospital in Florida for a nine-week internship, as terrorists. And so, 20 miles of Florida highway were closed, during which the men were taken into custody while their vehicles were extensively searched for explosives. All the men are Americans, by the way, Kambiz Butt (hehe, I said, “butt”) and Ayman Gheith being naturalized citizens and Omer Choudhary having been born in this country. The police found no evidence of wrongdoing and the men were released.

The Florida police, authorities and officials have all behaved and acted admirably through this event. They received what seemed like a genuine tip against terrorist activities and investigated this threat. Finding no evidence of dastardly conduct, the men were released, case closed. All we are left with is a clear case of “she said; they said.” They, of course, say Eunice Stone is “flat-out lying.” She says she was doing her duty. Whatever.

Unfortunately, the story does not stop here. Larkin Hospital has received a myriad of evil, racial and threatening phone calls, e-mails and protests from local Flor-idiots against the students and the hospital itself, enough to make hospital officials fear for the safety of their patients. The students have thus been “requested” to study elsewhere. It wasn’t enough that these men received negative national coverage over an allegation. Now they are denied education as well. What a state! What a country!

This is just more evidence that anti-terror media hype has gotten too far out of hand. It might have been more fruitful, for example, to have heard more national news coverage of Flor-idiot Dr. Richard Goldstein, who, two weeks ago, was arrested for possessing fifteen legitimate bombs for use against documented Islamic target maps in his home. Instead, we get to hear things from the local and subsequent national press about an event that at the very least was a joke against a Georgian woman who wasn’t minding her own beeswax or at the most, slander against three American citizens who happen to be Muslim. But who cares, really? Terrorism equals news people care about and such news equals money.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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